a life less ordinary

In 15 minutes or less . . .

2012-02-01T15:12:00.000-05:00

Random thoughts on my life right now . . .

Ben's favorite thing to say right now is, "Knock it off, cheesey head." I don't know why.
I'm so bad at giving Claire tummy time. Just one more thing to feel guilty about, I suppose.
Have I ever mentioned how much we love Bob Evans? We love that kids eat free on Tuesdays. We also like their takeout family meals. For $20 we can get a fairly well balanced meal that will give us dinner and two lunches. I asked for Bob Evans gift cards for Christmas. Between those, the meals friends brought us, the few I made ahead of time and camp meals, we only cooked once from when Claire was born through last week. It was awesome.
Claire has outdone her brothers when it comes to the "biggest poop" award. They're not explosive exactly . . . there's just a lot of it. Last Tuesday afternoon, she started going while I was changing her on my office floor and it was like this never ending fountain of poo. I had to construct a little dam of wipes around the changing mat from preventing the overflow from spilling onto the carpet. I was contemplating calling in FEMA. It was that big.
I've re-entered that alternate universe in which you talk openly about things like poop and cracked nipples, as if everyone talks about that sort of thing in casual conversation. And only when you see the uncomfortable glances at the floor do you realize that you're snapped back into reality and you realize that you're speaking to college students or single men who are unaware that this universe even exists. Doesn't that make you want to be my friend?
In the car last week, Ben requested a Katy Perry song. Shortly after, Kyle found a dirty diaper in his pocket that he had forgotten to throw away. I couldn't decide which was more disgusting to me.
I've always HATED dark chocolate, but around 30 weeks pregnant, I started craving it. The craving hasn't ended. My favorites are the Ghirardelli chocolate squares in dark & raspberry and dark & salted caramel.

Happy girl . . .

2012-01-28T19:38:00.001-05:00

happy girl from Sara on Vimeo.

One month old . . .

2012-01-26T21:38:00.005-05:00

At one month old, Claire . . .

. . . loves to be awake from 3 AM - 6 AM.
. . . smiles a lot, but makes you work for it first!
. . . is 22 1/4 inches long.
. . . is adored by her brothers. She will quiet to their voices and they always need to know where she is and what she's doing.
. . . has grown fond of bath time . . . when her parents actually find time to bathe her.
. . . likes to be held or worn. All. The. Time. Her mom is happy to oblige.
. . . is starting to like her swing.
. . . has darkish hair, the the nurse today commented on how red her hair was.
. . . has a bassinet in mom's office right next to her desk.
. . . still has no birth announcement.
. . . would sleep all afternoon, if her parents let her.
. . . has slacker parents who don't make her do nearly enough tummy time.
. . . weighs 11 pounds even.
. . . has parents who haven't had to cook a single meal since she was born until this week, thanks to friends and family.
. . . sleeps in her crib mostly, to prevent her from being woken from her brothers' barging into Mom and Dad's bedroom at random hours.
. . . has only been to camp 3 or 4 times - way different than it was with her brothers.

More photos from Claire's first month here and here.

99 in 2011

2012-01-25T14:09:00.004-05:00

I'm blogging today. Not because I have time to, but because I happened to notice that I only posted to my blog 99 times in 2011. The statistics read something like this:

2006 - 22
2007 - 238
2008 - 284
2009 - 263
2010 - 164
2011 - 99

I know what you're thinking: Who cares?! Admit it. The thought was going through your head.

I care. For every few days that I don't blog, there are memories and anecdotes that I will likely not remember in a week (much less 10 years) and I don't want these things to go by undocumented. I want to be able to look back at our life as it is now and reminisce about both the good and the bad.

It's not that I don't have anything to write about. Actually, the amount about which I have to write is inversely proportional to the amount of writing that actually takes place. If I had time, I'd draw you a fun little graph. I can see it in my head.

I compose lovely posts in my head as I drive, shower, make dinner, change diapers . . . they are all equal parts eloquent and witty and share our everyday stories in ways that are honest and amusing. But then I sit down in the front of the computer . . . and I've got nothing. I even tried to keep a list throughout the day of things that I want to write about, but when I sit down and look at this list, I find that I've put the same thing down 4 times, not remembering that I had already listed it. On top of that, I can't remember what that sentence fragment is even referring to now.

I think the third child has wiped any lasting bit of short term memory that the other two left behind, and any remnants that might be straggling behind are being overtaken with minutiae about which side Claire last nursed and which boy's turn it is to choose their afternoon tv show. Oh, and how important it is that I take a shower soon.

SIDE NOTE: Jack will always make some sort of ridiculous argument that it's his turn to choose the afternoon show, often insisting that Ben traded his turn for use of Jack's crayons, books or other miscellaneous toys . . . yeah, right.

So that's where I am . . . longing to blog more, but lacking the memory or time to do so. OK, Ben's on the other side of the basement saying "Sticky, Mama . . . help me!" Off to see what mess resulted from me sitting down long enough to write this.

Claire vs. the Giraffe

2012-01-15T18:03:00.003-05:00

WARNING: This clip may not be suitable for anyone who isn't a grandparent, aunt, or other relative of mine. It's approximately 1 1/2 minutes of my 3 week old batting her hand at a stuffed giraffe.

Some viewers may get easily bored.

Claire vs. the giraffe from Sara on Vimeo.

I drew picture

2012-01-11T17:12:00.003-05:00

Ben: MOM! I drew picture!

Me: Wow, thanks Ben! What color did you use?

Ben: One, two, three, four.

Me: No, what color did you use?

Ben: This one.

Me: What color is that?

Ben: Circle and triangle.

Me: No, tell me the color of the marker that you used.

Ben: On white paper.

It felt like he was doing it on purpose . . .

Claire Bear

2012-01-10T06:17:00.001-05:00

I dare you to name your child "Claire" and not call her "Claire Bear." No matter how hard you try not to, I promise you that you'll find it slipping through your lips multiples times a day.

This beautiful girl might never have a birth announcement. With both of the boys, I'd already had them in the mail. But I just have no inspiration for hers! Ironic, right?

I do have lots and lots of photos of her, though. See a few of them here.

Almost 2 weeks old

2012-01-08T09:56:00.001-05:00

OK, she's almost 2 weeks old now, but here's a photo of Claire at one week.

She gained 9 ounces over the last week, so at 2 weeks old, she's 9 pounds, 3 ounces. It's a good weight gain, but it's so much less than it was with the boys, that it made me worried at first. She doesn't nurse as well as the boys did, but it is getting better every day. The doctor assures me that she's perfectly healthy.

She's such a great baby . . . she only cries when she has a dirty diaper or if she's hungry. She's super snuggly and will happily sleep in her sling all day.

It's the boys that are giving us a run for our money. Especially Ben. I don't know if it's having a new sister, or being two . . . maybe a combination of both. But he's been especially feisty lately.

I'm healing . . . slowly but surely. It's been slightly more difficult this time around than it was with either of the boys. I've been emotional and tired, but that's to be expected, I suppose.

I'm so thankful for three healthy kids. So far, I think the adjustment to having Claire has been easier it was when I had Ben. Well, maybe not easier, but less of a shock. Last Wednesday and Friday were probably the two low points of the first week home. My mom made a comment about just taking it one week at a time. She reminded me that in a week, things would be a lot better (and they were) and in a week after that, things would be better still. It's been a helpful way to look at things.

Choo choo, Bennett is two!

2012-01-07T15:08:00.002-05:00

Bennett's birthday party was back in September. I'm just now writing about it. Yeah . . . I'm a little bit behind.

We had it in a private room at The Beach Bar. It's decorated with a lot of vintage train memorabilia and t was perfect. We had a pizza and soup buffet and some of Maria's cupcakes. With all of the vintage decor, I didn't have to do much decorating at all!

I had a video slideshow with photos of Ben, but I couldn't get it to work. That was the one disappointment of the day. Everything else went pretty smoothly and I think Ben had a good time.

Here are a few pictures from the party . . . see more here.

It seems so far away

2012-01-05T09:13:00.000-05:00

I had forgotten how far away the crib feels from our bed.

Claire sleeps for the first part of the night in her room now. I remember when we moved Ben out of the crib, it seemed so small for his toddler body.

But now the crib seems huge!

First bath

2012-01-04T19:51:00.002-05:00

This week, I'm starting to get Claire into a little bit of a bedtime routine, including bath, nursing and consistent bedtime. We hadn't done a bath since the hospital, and I was excited to give her one.

And she just loved it.

Can't you tell?

Meet Claire

2012-01-03T06:30:00.002-05:00

"There's nothing that says 'Merry Christmas' like your water breaking on your parents' nice furniture." That was the text I sent to a few friends on my way to the hospital on Christmas Day.

Let me back up a little . . .

For the week before Christmas, I told people that I had been so anxious for Claire to come, but now that Christmas was so close, I just wanted her to hold off until after Christmas morning. I just didn't want to miss out on having that time with the boys. And she listened to her Mama!

Our Christmas morning was perfect. The boys woke us up at 6:30. We tried to have them cuddle with us in bed for a while in order to get just a few more minutes of sleep, but that was useless. I mean, it was Christmas morning and they had already seen the silhouettes of their new bikes leaning against the Christmas tree.

We decided to not go to church so that we could just spend the morning together, let them play with their gifts and not have to rush. The each got a new bike from Santa, and then a few miscellaneous gifts from us. Kyle made breakfast and we just let them play while we relaxed the entire morning. I folded a basket or two of laundry, but for the most part, we just kind of let things go and didn't worry about any sort of organization or order. I even commented to Kyle that it was one of the best Christmas mornings I could remember.

As we were packing up to go to my parents, I told Kyle not to worry about picking anything up. He had to be back early Monday morning and I told him that the boys and I would work on organizing when we got home. As we were packing our stuff, I threw the pile of clothes that I had started putting together "for the hospital" into our suitcase and commented to him to grab the boppy. We both kind of laughed and I rolled my eyes at the thought that in the 18 hours we'd be gone, 4 days before my due date, that I'd need them. We didn't bring any of Claire's things or the car seat because that just seemed silly. I hadn't officially packed for the hospital yet, so I really didn't have much together anyway.

Here's how the next 48 hours went:

11:30 AM We left for my parents house. We listened to Christmas music on the way to my parents house and both boys were so sleepy. Ben fell asleep about 10 minutes before we got to their house. We tried to transfer him to a bed in their house, but he woke up as soon as we got him out of the car.

1:00 The first thing we did upon arrival was to eat lunch. Everyone could tell I was hungry because I kept commenting on how amazing the simple turkey sandwich was.

2:00 We exchanged gifts. The boys got some really neat toys and were consumed with those almost immediately.

3:00 My brother, Jeff, and Jack were in the living room putting lego cars together and Ben was in the family room playing with his new train set. Claire was just kicking away and I commented on how nice it was because she had been so quiet the last week or so. I made a trip to triage exactly a week before that because her movement had slowed so much. But she was happy and healthy! The nurse said she was a picture of fetal health. That was reassuring, but feeling her move was even more reassuring.

3:15 I moved upstairs to the living room to see what Jack and Jeff were doing and sat down. My mom brought a gift for Claire down. She said she had intended to save it for the hospital, but was just going to give it to me now so that I wouldn't have to worry about packing it up and taking it home with me then. I looked through the cute clothes and snowsuits. I started putting them back in the bag and felt some sharp cramps really low.

3:30 My mom walked back to the kitchen. I sat back to relax and laughed at something Jack said . . . and the floodgates opened. I jumped up and ran/galloped to the bathroom trying to leave as little of a trail as possible.

My mom asked what was going on and I said, "Either I wet my pants or my water just broke." After the episode when I was pregnant with Ben, I really thought I had probably just wet my pants and was SUPER embarrassed to the point of tears. Kyle asked what I needed and I said, "A pair of pants, underwear and a little bit of dignity." I was laughing and crying all at the same time. I put the new pants on (yoga pants . . . the only other pair I had with me), stood up, and knew immediately that I had not wet my pants.

My water had broken.

I just looked at Kyle and felt a little bit frozen. I was shocked. I searched for the number for triage. I had been thinking that week that I needed to get it programmed into my phone, but thought I had time for that. My mom looked up the number for me, I called and then waited for the call back. I felt nauseous, nervous and excited all at once.

My sister had gone up to take a nap after we opened gifts, so I went up and said, "Uh, my water broke, so we're leaving. Merry Christmas."

After my water broke - before we left for the hospital - 39 1/2 weeks

Our last photo as a family of four - doesn't Jack look thrilled?

4:00 We started for the hospital in my parents car (so they could keep ours with the car seats for the boys) before the triage nurse even called back. But when she did she instructed us to come right in.

4:30 We got there and the labor and delivery floor was EMPTY. There were only nine other laboring women that day. No one schedules induction or c-sections for Christmas, after all.

5:30 We were moved from triage into a room. That's when the waiting began.

6:00 I was having contractions, but nothing painful or productive. Kyle and I roamed the halls of the 9th floor several times. I didn't have any socks or slippers with me, so I was wearing my hospital gown and a pair of gray flats. It was super classy. The hospital opened on December 4 so everything was new to us. It was kind of fun to explore and look around, but it did nothing to help with contractions. The doctor offered pictocin to get things moving, but I really thought that maybe things would pick up on their own. We went back to the room and watched some tv. Kyle watched football because I wasn't really interested in anything that was on.

7:00 Shift change. Our new nurse (Renee) said she had two patients, and she was pretty sure she'd be sticking with me since she thought I'd probably go into hard labor sooner than her other.

9:00 Renee came to tell me I'd be getting a new nurse since her other patient was in hard labor. I was bummed because she was so great. Our new nurse (Kim) enters the picture and is great, too. Relief. You never know how happy or helpful the staff will be when they have to work on Christmas day.

12:00 AM The doctor checked in and I told her we could go ahead and start the pitocin, much to my dismay. I finished the book I was reading (The Help).

12:30 Kim starts the pitocin and I just sit and wait. I couldn't sleep, but Kyle didn't have much trouble.

12:45 I hear the baby crying from the lady who's water broke around the same time I did. Awesome.

3:30 Contractions became painful. The nurse asked if I was ready for an epidural, but I didn't think I needed one yet. Kyle was still sleeping. I probably should have woken him up, but I figured one of us should get some sleep, right?

4:58 I texted my mom and said contractions were 3 - 4 minutes apart, but still bearable.

6:00ish I woke Kyle up, called the nurse and said I was ready for an epidural. I was dilated to 6 and it was time. The anesthesiologist was in my room within what seemed like seconds. Like I said, the floor was pretty empty that night. The difference between this epidural and the one with Ben was that with Ben, I was between an 8 and a 9 when I got to the hospital. At that point, I was in so much pain and had no breaks between contractions, so I wasn't even aware of what they were doing to give me the epidural. This time around, the contractions were painful, but I had about two minutes between each one and was keenly aware of the pressure and pricks in my pack. It made me nervous and nauseous just thinking about it.

6:30ish Euphoria. The epidural was glorious. I actually was able to rest a little bit.
It was at this point that we finally decided on her middle name.

7:30 The doctor checked me and I was dilated completely. I had zero urge to push though. I wanted to wait a bit.

8:00ish I felt like I was ready to push. One problem . . . Kyle had gone to find a bathroom. In that big, new hospital, they were hard to find. I texted him to tell him that I was ready to push and he got back pretty quick. The doctors were all there and I started pushing at about 8:15. Pushing was quick, but it was a lot harder than I remember it being with Ben. A week later, my muscles are still sore from it.

8:22 Claire Grace Luke entered the world. I was overflowing with emotion and couldn't believe what a beautiful mess she was. They wrapped her in a blanket and gave her right to me and I just cried and cried. As they were cleaning her up, I asked, "She is a girl right?!" And they confirmed that she in fact, is a girl.

I was overwhelmed with emotion . . . just like I was when the boys were born. We couldn't believe we had a daughter. I couldn't believe that I ever wanted a boy, because she was so perfectly ours.

She cried and cried and cried for the next hour or so. They had guessed that she was 9 pounds, 9 ounces, but she was only 8 pounds, 13 ounces and 21 inches. To us, she was a petite little thing. I nursed her soon after she was born, and she'd nurse for a minute and then cry for a minute. Her lower lip would stick out (much like Ben's) and would quiver as she sobbed. If she had been my first, I probably would have been a little overwhelmed by it, but by this point, we know how to soothe crying babies and we did eventually.

When the nurse took her to bathe her, I just remember being SO tired. I hadn't slept much on Christmas eve or at all that night and the whole childbirth thing just sucked every bit of energy right out of me. But I didn't want to fall asleep and miss anything.

Claire's first bath . . . water running over her head was the only time she stopped crying. Doesn't it look like she was trying to steal the nurse's pager?

Our parents, my siblings and the boys all came up to meet her that morning. The boys were pretty comfortable around her and each held her. Ben even climbed up into bed with me for a minute, though Jack wouldn't. He was a little freaked out by my IV port. Both boys cried a lot when they left, which was hard on us, but we know it had more to do with all of the change that was going on than anything else.

That afternoon and evening, Kyle and I just took turns holding her and staring at her. She didn't open her eyes much that first day, except for about 10 minutes that evening. She looked back and forth at each of us and we told her how much she was loved. We just marveled over her. It was one of my all time favorite moments.

There were so many things on my mind and heart when we were at the hospital . . . things that aren't necessarily blog-suitable, but that left me overflowing with emotion. I'll never forget how much time I spent praying that night. The nurses kept asking me if I was okay, and I kept assuring them that I was fine . . . just emotional.

We were in the hospital until the following morning and were home in the early afternoon on the 27th. We stopped by Target to pick up my pain medication. She didn't make a peep for the entire drive home or the trip to Target.

The last week has been challenging, for sure. I've had some healing issues and for various reasons, my emotions have been off-kilter far more than they ever were with the boys. But we're adjusting and we're blessed. I'm so thankful.

What I thought I'd be doing this week . . .

2012-01-01T09:40:00.005-05:00

I had this whole list of things I intended to write about and do this week . . . things we did leading up to Christmas, funny new things that the boys have been doing, photos, etc. I thoroughly expected to still be pregnant. I thought Claire would come January 4 . . . exactly one week past her due date.

But I'm not doing those things. Instead, I'm settling into my role as the mother of three, with all of its blessings and challenges.

I wanted to write about Friday, the 23rd, and how I cooked/baked all day. Trays of lasagna, macaroni and cheese, tons of shredded/cubed chicken for future recipes (thanks to my friends on facebook for the tips on doing that), gingerbread cookies, sugar cookies, cheater cake pops, chocolate mint cookies . . . you could say that I overdid it. Kyle took the boys to the Treehouse that day, but even so, I was hurting and exhausted by the end of the day. I had a few contractions that night that made me think we might be headed to the hospital, but they amounted to nothing.

I wanted to write about how Jack helped me with my baking earlier in the week and told me before he went to bed on Wednesday night saying, "I loved baking with you mom, and I'll never forget this day." And how with that statement, the frustrations of cooking with a 4-year-old were almost totally erased from my memory.

I wanted to write about Ben and how he's picking up on all of the phrases Jack uses, including, but not limited to "That's disgusting," "It's not fair" and "I hate this." And how if we ask him a question he doesn't want to answer he looks and us and says, "shhh!" Make no mistake . . . none of those are appropriate responses, and they almost always come with consequences, but it still cracks me up when I put the news on in the morning and Ben says, "No! News is nisdusting!"

I was going to write about how the intense pain that I'd been having for the last 2 1/2 months had almost completely gone away that week and how it felt like a Christmas miracle. In retrospect, Claire had just dropped far enough down that it eliminated the pain.

My plan for the week was to edit all of the photos I've had building up since October and get those posted. I had hoped to have them all done before I edited the tons of baby pictures I knew I'd take once Claire arrived.

I wanted to finish the word art that I'd started for Claire's room and have it ordered and up in her room before she was born.

I had one last big project for work that I wanted to complete before she came.

I wanted to get all of the Christmas gifts put away and Christmas decorations down. I know this is kind of "bah humbug" of me, but it stresses me out to have Christmas decorations up. For the entire month of December, I feel like I'm kind of in limbo, just waiting for my house to go back to normal. I'm sure that says more about my control issues than it does anything else.

I wanted to get a 40 week picture.

But I don't control these things and Claire's arrival 3 days early was a reminder of that.

Instead, I'll be tackling these things over the next few weeks. I've also been jotting down notes on her birth story because even though it's only been a week since my water broke, memories are fading. And just typing that made me cry if it's any indication as to where I am emotionally right now.

I'm grateful for our friends and family who have made this transition a little easier. I'm incredibly grateful for Kyle, without whom I would be completely unable to cope. I'm grateful for Jack and Ben and how much they love us and their little sister. While they've presented challenges this week, my love for them increases daily, if that's even possible. And I'm grateful for Claire . . . that she's a good sleeper (knock on wood) and that she's changed me more in the last six days that I ever could have imagined. Even though I've already been through this twice before, I had no idea how fast and hard I'd fall for her. It's astonishing to think that God has entrusted us with another little life to take care of . . . I pray every day that He'll make us equal to the task.

Claire Grace Luke

2011-12-26T20:27:00.002-05:00

Claire Grace Luke spoke the name of God when she took her first breath today at 8:22 AM. We thought we'd have a Christmas baby, but she really took her time. More on her story later. She was 8 pounds, 13 ounces and measured 21.5 inches.

We are totally in love with her and can't believe she's ours. I find myself in total disbelief over the fact that I ever lamented having a girl instead of a boy because within 10 seconds of laying eyes on her I couldn't imagine life without her.

http://vimeo.com/34238687

Happy birthday, baby girl!

Dear Jack, Months 52, 53 & 54

2011-12-19T07:15:00.001-05:00

Dear Jack,

Keeping up with you is such a challenge. You are growing and developing faster than I can handle. The level of conversation you can have is well beyond your years, and your wit is incredible. When we're all in the car together, you often say things that cause your dad and I to just give each other wide eyed stares that communicate, "Did your 4-YEAR-OLD really just say that?!" As we sit there in silence, you often say, "What? Did you HEAR ME?!" as we work to snap out of it and respond. From commentary and analysis of the Revolutionary War (not even kidding) to your take on the lyrics of Christmas songs and how they don't really line up with what Christmas is all about . . . you keep us on our toes. I can't tell you how many times you've asked why Christmas songs are sung about decking the halls when Christmas is really about "the love of Jesus' birth." Oy. Nonetheless, for Christmas you've asked for a bike, superheroes, a watch . . . and a few other miscellaneous things.

You've really become quite the artist, and I love it that I can actually tell what you're drawing. Your drawings of dinosaurs are definitely the best. You also love stickers and painting. You write us notes and cards and your letters and spelling have come such a long way. As I stare at your little sister bulging out of my belly, I can't even believe that you were once there. You're so grown up.

You also like to build and play with legos and anything else that you can eventually knock down . . . that is, if Ben doesn't knock it down first. Ben can be a nuisance to you sometimes, I know, but he only does the things he does because he loves you and wants your attention. And lets be honest . . . you're not always super easy for him to deal with either. You two fight quite a bit, but you also play quite a bit, too. I know that you love each other and I hope that you're friends for life.

I'm so proud of you, Jack. I love you so much.

Mom

Dear Bennett, Months 26 & 27

2011-12-14T15:16:00.001-05:00

Dear Ben,

You are the best 2-year-old hider that I know. Hide and seek with your brother was always pretty funny because he'd hide and wiggle and giggle while we pretended to look and then eventually "discover" him. But not you. You can stay perfectly still and completely quiet for a ridiculous amount of time. You'll lay flat in our bed, pull the covers over your head and be totally still while we hunt. On a few occasions, I've started to worry that perhaps we had lost you!

You hide behind chairs, in closets, under tables . . . and you're spatial reasoning abilities are developed enough that you can tell when you're not completely covered and look for ways to conceal yourself entirely. Dad and I are impressed. Because you're so good at this game, I actually enjoy playing hide and seek with you more than I used to. I love finding you, and I love watching you try to find me. Granted, it's much easier for you to find me, because I can't hide behind chairs or curtains. I take up entire closets.

I can't wait to see you as a big brother. You've become quite the little stinker over the last two months, but when it comes to your sister, you know how to give kisses and hugs to my belly; though your affection for her doesn't keep you from taking flying leaps onto me as I'm resting on the couch or in bed. We're working with you on being gentle. Dad and I were talking today about how we think you'll be someone who's always ready to stick up for and defend his siblings.

Your language development has brought both joy and frustration. Today, when I asked you not to play with something you found on my desk, you said, "I obey Mama, otay?" And for a brief moment I felt like maybe I'm finally getting through to you. Normally when I ask you not to do something that you really want to do, there's some sort of melt down while you shout, "NO MOM! YOU A BAD BOY!"

I love watching you process and try to think through how to say what you want to. There are times when you say the same sentence over and over while we try to interpret your sounds, and when we finally do, we're all so excited that it doesn't really matter what you were trying to say as much as it does that we finally got it.

Now that you can repeat multiple words at a time, I started a memory verse with you . . . "God is Love." I say it with you and sometimes, when the moment hits, you'll just remind me of it on your own. You don't really know what it means, but do any of us completely understand it? My hope is that the words you learn will soak into your mind and your heart and stay with you until you are old enough to better understand.

You're more interested in Christmas this year and are fascinated by Christmas lights. And your nativity set. This morning you told me that baby Jesus was in the manger for a time out. I guess I still have some explaining to do. Even so, seeing these earliest glimpses of your understanding of who God is and who He has made you to be are such a blessing to me.

I love you, Ben!

Love,
Mama

Nine.

2011-12-14T10:03:00.003-05:00

Nine years ago today, I married a man that I barely knew. Compared to today, at least.

I knew the important things. I knew he loved Jesus and he loved me (in that order). I knew he was kind and that I loved being with him. I knew his likes and dislikes. I knew him better than anyone else did.

But still . . . there was so much left unknown. Before I was married, I remember hearing women say, "I had no idea what I was getting myself into before I got married. There were so many things I didn't know." 9 years ago today, I found myself in the same boat.

But I got so, so lucky.

I knew Kyle loved me, but I had no idea how wonderfully he would treat me. I knew he was patient, but I didn't know what that really meant until he extended his patience to me for the millionth time. I knew he was generous, but I had no idea how much he would give. I knew that he'd make a fantastic father, but it never occurred to me that he would be so good at it, that I'd sometimes watch him in an effort to learn how to be a better parent.

He's not perfect. I could make you a list of his imperfections and sometimes, on the bad days, I do.

But I consider myself lucky for getting to be his wife. Happy anniversary, Kyle!

Almost 38 weeks.

2011-12-13T22:12:00.006-05:00

When you're the friend or family member of a photographer, you get maternity photos like this:

The photo above is of Debbie, by the way . . . who gave birth to Hayleigh this morning, with a birth story that might just make her your hero.

When you ARE the photographer, however, you have to settle for maternity photos like this:

This is me last Saturday at almost 38 weeks. Shameful, I know. But at least I'm taking them, right?

It's all getting very real . . . I'm going to be doing this all over again. Labor and delivery . . . the first few months . . . adjusting to more children than I had before. It's sinking in.

I've been having lots of contractions (with is nothing new for this pregnancy) but over the weekend and this week they've become stronger. Maybe we will have a 2011 baby afterall. Maybe?

Or maybe I'll be sitting at home on January 8 laughing about the fact that I ever once thought I might deliver early.

37 weeks

2011-12-08T10:18:00.004-05:00

Remember when I used to update my blog daily? Remember that? No?

Yeah, it's been a while.

My little girl is officially "full-term" and can come at any time. Although, we know that if history is any indicator, she'll be a week or two late. I don't even have a bag packed yet. My official guess for her arrival is January 4. My hope is December 28 (my actual due date).

Everything about this pregnancy has been different. Her movement is different than the boys' was. I'm carrying her differently. I've gained more weight than I did with Ben, but less than I did with Jack (although give me three weeks and we'll see if that's still true).

I haven't been to triage once. With both boys, there were days when I wouldn't feel movement or would have some other issue. I've had those issues this time around, but I wait it out . . . mainly because I'm home alone with the boys or am in the middle of something and have to wait. And by the time I could call, everything's back to normal. I'm still having lots of contractions. I had three late last night that made me wonder if I needed to start timing them.

36 weeks

I was thinking this week (given that it's the most wonderful time of the year) that if she were to come now, I'd be in trouble. I'm NOT ready.

My emotions have hit a peak, and everything makes me cry. A rude email from a customer, a sideways glance from a stranger, a holiday commercial depicting a relative from overseas arriving home . . . it gets me all choked up. Every holiday card I've done for a family with three boys has made me cry over the disappointment of not having three boys. And every holiday card I've done for a family with two boys and a girl has made me cry over how excited I am to have a daughter for my boys to have a little sister.

Anyone who knows me understands that I don't like being pregnant. I don't like the discomfort and the stress and the toll it takes on my body. I really hate the aftermath of childbirth. I don't like it, but I don't want to complain either. After the time, money and struggle it took to get pregnant with Jack, I don't take a pregnancy for granted and I'm grateful. But it doesn't mean that I like it. I just love the outcome enough to outweigh the discomfort.

Anyway, the day after Thanksgiving, I ran up to the store (It was 60 degrees and I was looking for ANYTHING that would get me out of the house) and on the way home, Claire was kicking and I could see my belly wiggling. I started thinking about how this would be my last time to experience this and how I'd never know a baby wiggling in my belly again. I thought about how this is the last time I'd share my body with a little one and how precious it is. And I just lost it. I cried all the way home and walked in the house looking like I'd just lost my best friend.

Ben asked, "Mama sad?" And I replied, "No, Mama's pregnant."

I've been very sentimental about the whole thing over the last week. I'm in a lot of pain and I'm super uncomfortable, but I know that it's for the last time. I know that after this, I'll never do it again. It's a little bit like high school graduation . . . you can't wait for it to be over, but it's a little bit sad that you'll never be back.

These photos from 36 weeks. The boys are going to stay with my parents this weekend and I'm hoping Kyle will take a few while we're totally undistracted by the boys. You know . . . ones where you can actually see my face.

36 weeks

Oh, what fun . . .

2011-11-30T00:40:00.003-05:00

Kyle captured this little gem as we were leaving the park after attempting to get family photos last week. This one photo pretty much sums up the whole experience.

I'll bet you can't wait to see more.

At least I'm not on fire

2011-11-27T16:26:00.001-05:00

This summer, when people complained about anything, we got our staff in the habit of saying "Hey . . . at least you're not on fire." Because really? Being on fire would have been worse than anything else that was going on.

I spent much of the last two weeks muttering "at least I'm not on fire" under my breath.

I was NOT sleeping well and this recent cold beat me up more than any other illness ever has. I don't ever remember feeling as crummy as I did. I was so, so tired . . . and when I'm tired, I become snarky and cranky. The cough that kept me up all night made my entire belly ache and I wondered all the time if it was hurting the baby (although google assures me she'll be just fine). I was coughing so hard and so much I thought she might just shoot right out from all the pressure. The worst part is not being able to take any drugs that might help.

The pain from this pregnancy is intensifying, just as predicted. During the week after my last appointment, I really wondered if the doctor had just been exaggerating. YOu know . . . making it sound worse than it is just to help me prepare for the worst? She wasn't.

It doesn't help that I'm not taking it as easy as I should be. The whole "stay sitting or laying down" thing seems impossible. And Ben has become ultra clingy . . . I think he senses that change is coming and I remember Jack doing this during the month or two before Ben was born.

Speaking of Ben . . . oy. The terrible twos have descended and have Kyle and I feeling a little bit like we've been hit by a truck. While there are still moments of sweetness, the moments of defiance and disobedience far outweigh them. His speech has taken off and you'd never know that three weeks ago I was concerned about it. It's like something clicked. But with that development has come his ability to tell us exactly what he's thinking . . . for better or worse.

There are some things that make us laugh . . . for instance, when he does something he knows he shouldn't, he'll just stomp to the time out chair and climb in grumbling "MIME OUT!" under his breath the whole way. I can't NOT laugh when he puts himself in time out.

When he gives us an inappropriate response to something we tell him to or not to do, we repeat the correct response until he says it too. And I don't think there's anything cuter than hearing him say, "Otay, mom."

I've mentioned that we've moved Ben and Jack into the same room, and that's totally ruined his sleep. He was SO amazingly good for bedtime, naptime and slept all night. Not so much anymore. Right now, they're sleeping on mattresses on the floor, but their beds come on Wednesday. I hope that being in a real bed will help him a little bit. Maybe.

The good news, however, is that I'm feeling so much better. I still have little coughing fits every now and then, but they're definitely fewer.

Speaking of . . .

2011-11-21T11:04:00.005-05:00

While perusing my blog posts from right before Ben was born, I found this little gem. It's funny that it was more than 2 years ago, but some things about Jack just haven't changed. It also made me glad that Ben isn't quite as verbal as Jack was at this age. I'm not sure I could handle it.

Nonetheless, Ben's speech has taken off. We had his evaluation with the speech therapist a few weeks ago and it went well, and she took my concerns seriously, but she kept emphasizing that he was ahead of the game in every area but expressive speech and I got the feeling that she wanted to say, "Calm down and don't worry." She was very nice and really professional though.

It didn't help my case that he literally started using two and three word phrases 18 hours before she came. I'm not even kidding. He repeated me when I said "Happy Halloween" and then just took off from there. She repeated almost everything she asked him to. I was proud, but a little bit embarrassed that I had just finished telling her that he won't do that at all.

Now he's pretty much saying everything he wants to and repeating anything we ask him to. He still has a lot of pronunciation issues, but even those are resolving themselves without much intervention. When he wanted a cup of water, he would always say "Wa-Gee" instead of "water." This morning he walked into our bedroom and said "Water in big cup, pease." And then he stood there unsure of what to do as Kyle and I cheered and asked him to say it again. His love of books (and attention span) is growing and there are many that he'll "read" to us. Something just seems to have clicked for him.

He's come a long way in just a few weeks.

So, while maybe I jumped the gun with speech therapy, I don't regret it. I'd rather be a little too proactive than not proactive enough, I guess. The therapist is making a return visit tomorrow to evaluate his progress, and I'm pretty sure his progress will confirm her feelings that I'm a little bit overprotective. Oh, well. There are worse things to be, I suppose.

Say cheese.

2011-11-17T12:50:00.004-05:00

Does this kid have the cheesiest picture face, or what?

How can you look at this and not smile?

Home Improvements

2011-11-14T19:36:00.004-05:00

I can say without hesitation that the last 4 - 5 days are probably some of the most stressful I've ever had.

On Thursday we had new carpet installed in all of the bedrooms. I mentioned that Kyle and I installed wood flooring throughout the house in August/September and this was the last piece of the flooring updates. I'm telling you . . . it feels like a brand new house! I love it!

The carpet that was installed by our builder was considered "builder's grade." The installation person we were talking to told us that it's normally only expected to last 2 - 3 years while the owners figure out what they really want. It's been 7 years, so we were way past due and it showed.

The stressful part of the whole thing is that we had to move every piece of furniture and every item into our living room/kitchen on Wednesday night (thanks to the help of Kyle's cousin Brian). We slept on the floor and couches on Wednesday night and it was miserable. When we moved things back in, we moved all of Ben's stuff into his and Jack's shared room and cleaned out the nursery for Claire. This involved buying more shelving and drawers for the boys, assembling it, sorting through things, etc. We couldn't really prepare meals so there was a lot of eating out and a lot of television for the boys while we tried to get everything going. It was chaotic.

But like I said, I LOVE the new floors. We still have finishing touches to add, but I think we'll have those done in the next couple of weeks.

Some good news: Claire will actually have a girl's nursery! I was worried that we might just have to make do with blue and green rocket ships, because I wasn't sure when we'd have time to change things up. But I'm happy to say that the blue walls have been replaced by gray walls and the rockets have been replaced by zinnias.

On top of everything else, I developed a nasty cold on Saturday night / Sunday morning. Sore throat, congestion and the worst achiness I've ever experienced with a cold. I haven't had a fever or anything. I've just felt crummy. I thought it would be over quickly, but I couldn't even pull myself out of bed this morning, other than to go sit in the bathroom and run hot water to help clear my congestion. I'm so thankful for Kyle and how he takes care of me.

Big shoes to fill

2011-11-02T12:57:00.003-05:00

Do you notice anything weird about this picture? The size 12 shoes, perhaps?

This is the second of this exact same pair that I've purchased for Jack since September. Did he outgrow the first pair? Nope. Were they ruined? We're not quite sure.

You see, Ben likes to wear Jack's shoes around the house. The last time we saw Jack's first pair of these was about a month ago . . . on Ben's feet. We've searched the house high and low for those shoes and cannot find them anywhere. So today, I broke down and bought another pair.

Ben, of course, had them on his feet within minutes of me walking in the door.

Halloween 2011

2011-10-31T22:22:00.006-05:00

We did it. We wrestled Ben into his costume. It took lots of coaxing and bribery, but my boys were both dressed up for Halloween. And I managed to get photos.

That might end up being our biggest accomplishment of the week!

Jack had a fever on Saturday and I was sure he'd have to miss school and trick or treating, but it never came back. He still has a raspy voice and a little bit of congestion, so we didn't stay out long.

We only went to the fire station and they got treat bags from grandma, so each of the boys ended up with about 1 0 pieces of candy . . . which is a good number for kids their age. However, they'll totally notice if a piece goes missing. That bums me out.

We had a fun night, although Ben self-imposed a time out at one point. I'm not sure why. He just sat on the step and kept saying "Mime out!"

As Jack was getting ready for school this morning, he said, "If there's ever a fire at school, we go out the emergency door and to the building across the parking lot. But if there's a fire today, they'll be SO lucky I'm there!" I love it.

We had a good time and when we got home, Kyle and the boys popped pop corn and watched The Great Pumpkin.

Ouch.

2011-10-27T14:38:00.005-05:00

I had my 31-week check up. Let me tell you . . . I'm loving only having to go into the doctor's office every six weeks this time around. I'm sure I would have hated it when I was pregnant with Jack. But now that we're on to number 3, it's nice not having to make that drive as often. The next time I go back, I'll be full term!

Anyway, we brought the boys with us for the obligatory "hear your sister's heartbeat" visit. Jack was really excited. Ben was really quiet and just kind of watched and listened. They both behaved so well. I was stressed out about how they would act, but they were awesome.

It turns out that I actually should have been stressed out about something else.

I mentioned all of my contractions . . . I have around 8 - 10 an hour when I'm up and moving around and less when I'm sitting or laying down. She didn't seem too concerned, so I wasn't either. Phew.

But then I mentioned some pain I've been having for a few weeks. I had almost forgotten to say anything about it until I went to step down off the table and felt the sharp pains through my entire pelvis and back. I won't go into all of the details, but she did a real quick exam and I believe her exact words were "Oh, crap."

Apparently, this "issue" can sometimes arise in women on their third or fourth pregnancies, particularly with a history of large babies. Jack was 8 lb, 10 oz and Ben was 9 lb, 6 oz . . . not abnormally huge, but definitely not tiny.

The only thing that will relieve the pain is having the baby. Likely, it will continue to get worse until after this little girl is born. Awesome. I'm supposed to avoid lifting the boys as much as I can and I'm supposed to stay sitting or laying as much as possible to try and keep it from progressing any faster. When I said, "Yeah, right" she warned that some women, if they're not careful, end up in wheelchairs for the last few weeks of pregnancy because of the pain from this.

Ugh.

I asked if it would interfere with labor and delivery and she said it wouldn't, but they often have to induce early because the pain gets so severe. And if you know me, I'll do almost anything to avoid being induced.

On top of all of that, my platelets are low which might prevent an epidural. And kudos to those of you who can make it through labor and delivery without one, but I don't think that I can. I'll be tested again at 37 weeks to see how they're doing. Apparently they were low with both Jack and Ben, but not low enough to be worth mentioning. This time they're a little bit lower.

I cried a lot on the way home. I know it's silly . . . none of this life threatening. My little girl will continue to grow and develop normally, and right now the pain is bearable. I can handle this for 10 or 11 weeks, right? It could be so much worse and I have so much to be grateful for.

I just think this was just the tipping point that let all of the fatigue and emotion over miscellaneous things over the last few weeks come spilling out.

SIDE NOTE: I just barely twisted my ankle this morning. For some reason, Jack has it in his head that the entire conversation he overheard between the doctor and I was about my ankle and he's sure that it's what's causing me so much trouble. He just brought me some ice cream and said, "I hope this makes you feel better about your ankle." So sweet.

The GOOD news is that I'm feeling her kick and move daily. Up until the last week or so, every day was a guessing game as to whether I'd feel her and I was kind of on edge until I did.

Here's a self-portrait at about 31 1/2 weeks now. Not flattering, I know. But I finally took one, didn't I? And yes, my eyes are still puffy from crying. Lovely, I know.

Also, I found a few self-photos that had been backed up before my iphone was stolen . ..

18 weeks:

19 weeks:

Twitter: July 23 - October 23

2011-10-24T20:40:00.004-05:00

Selected Twitter posts from the last two months.

October 23
Me: We're going to camp, Ben. Ben: Beach? Me: No, can you say "camp?" Ben: Beach! Me: C-C-Camp. Ben: C-C-Beach.

October 21
Jack: How old are you? Ben: Two. Jack: Yes, but how old does your grandpa want you to be? Ben: Um, six. Jack: Yay, Ben! That's right!

October 17
Jack: Can I watch one more show? Me: Hmm . . . what if we fry your brain? What then? Jack: I just won't be as smart. I can live with that.

October 16
My dad turned 60 this week. He also ran his 11th marathon. Incredible.

October 15
Today, a retiree made a comment to me about "When you're receiving social security checks . . ." That's cute.

October 14
Jack: "I DO NOT like Elmo. It's so old. From when I was a little kid."

October 5
Jack just snapped his fingers at me and said, "I NEED SOMEONE TO GET ME BREAKFAST!" Excuse me?! I have a lesson I need to go teach . . .

October 3
Pool = FAIL. But we did discover that Ben's tennis shoes will float in a pool when thrown in.

October 2
Few things bring me as much joy as watching my boys sing Oh Happy Day. #churchinthecar

September 23
Opening his presents. He put each thing away as took it out of the box! yfrog.com/nytocavj

2 years ago right now, contractions were 5 minutes apart. I was an hour from the hospital and wanted to stop by Target on the way. #denial

September 22
My contractions stop when I lay down. But when i lay down, I don't get much done. Grrrr.

September 19
After complaining all the way home about egg salad for lunch, they talked me into pizza. Then they ate my entire sandwich & asked for more.

September 17
I can hear my sister upstairs introducing Jack to songs from The Sound of Music. But I haven't heard Kyle's head explode. Yet.

September 16
No, I was not embarrassed when the drive thru worker from whom I ordered lunch remembered me from breakfast. Not at all.

September 12
This cracked me up. NOW I know what do do with that enormous surplus of "free time" I have when jack's at preschool! yfrog.com/h6xrsxij

September 11
After he tooted, Jack just smiled and said, "That was me just making nutrients." WHAT?! Who taught him that one?

September 10
In the middle of praying at bedtime, Jack said, "Uh, mom? Can you put some perfume on?" Ouch.

September 3
I hear Ben up in his bed yelling, "NO WAY! NO WAY!" I can't help but wonder what's going through his mind . . .

September 1
It's so funny that Ben laughs at something when Jack does, even though he has no idea what is so funny.

August 29
We've "narrowed" the list of baby names from two to four. Hmmmm . . .

August 28
Jack had to go to bed without dinner tonight. I know he won't starve, but I really do think I feel worse than he does.

August 25
Coincidence that my iphone was stolen at the same time Steve Jobs announced his resignation? Hmmm . . . I'll let you decide.

August 24
If your name is Oprah, you can call your show "Oprah." If your name is Katie, you need to come up with something a little more original.

August 23
Why do my children have the ongoing, irresistible urge to unfold my folded laundry?

August 22
Kyle just came into my office and asked if I had an envelope. That's cute.

August 17
We bought new tires and ordered new flooring today. Which makes me feel old. And broke.

Oh, Man in the yellow hat . . . you put your monkey in charge of clearing the dinner table. You were kind of asking for it.

August 15
Ben's watching Leapfrog Letter Factory, and every time the main character finishes a song, Ben says, "Thank you!"

August 11
Loved having staff at our house tonight. There's nothing better than an evening of laughter and oversharing to cap off a great summer.

August 10
Feeling really grateful for the amazing staff we've been able to work with all summer. I'll be sad to see them go this weekend.

August 6
We're taking our kids to the beach today. All 19 of them.

August 4
Ben's new favorite thing us to yell,"That way!" every time we get to an intersection & then scream if we go the other way. It's super fun.

August 3
A few things to remember for when you meet my daughter . . . http://www.huffingtonpost.com/lisa-bloom/how-to-talk-to-little-gir_b_882510.html

We have one VERY active baby! Any gender guesses?

August 2
I'm not usually one to brag, but . . . I'm going to anyway. http://www.babble.com/mom/work-family/best-mom-etsy-shop-handmade-mom-lukecommasara/

Oy. We are going to have a bummed out 4-year-old on our hands if we come home and tell him he has another brother instead of a sister.

July 30
The Olive Garden waiter left us 5 Andes mints, which was an obvious attempt to cause dissension in our marriage.

July 29
Ben's first hair cut. yfrog.com/kipjgvvj

"No money, no spendy. That’s how it works in our house. And it hurts." Love this. http://everydayepistle.com/2011/07/26/how-the-government-can-save-3-14-million-this-year/

She has a name

2011-10-23T19:58:00.007-05:00

We're excited to have chosen the name "Claire" for our baby girl. We tossed around SO many options. Claire was Kyle's very first pick and we both really love it.

It means, "bright, clear, famous."

As I've been praying for her over the last few days, I've used the meaning of her name as a guide.

BRIGHT
I pray that she'll be bold and imaginative and that she'll reflect God's light wherever she goes.

CLEAR
I pray that she'll be free of anything that obstructs or darkens her love for God or her passion for doing His work.

FAMOUS
I pray that she'll be well known for her brightness, her clarity and her love for the Lord.

We still don't have a middle name for her, and we're open to suggestions. My sister suggested the middle name "Huxtable."

It's funny, but I think we'll pass.

Baby Shower

2011-10-23T10:35:00.000-05:00

Jeanette and Debbie threw me a shower last month. It was so, so nice and I appreciated it a lot.

It was in September because they're both pregnant and due before me. The whole thing made it so real . . . I was opening lots of pink and even got her first dress. I'm really excited about having a girl! I've come a long way from where I was on August 3.

Everyone was so generous. I registered at a few places thinking that one or two people might like ideas, but my friends and family just about wiped it clean! I was thankful and humbled.

I was just enjoying myself and didn't pick up my camera once. Luckily, my mom was there and was able to get a few pictures.

Best friends

2011-10-22T06:55:00.003-05:00

In over my head

2011-10-13T10:36:00.000-05:00

I'm having one of THOSE weeks. The kind of week that reminds me that there's very little I can do apart from the grace of God. You know the kind, right?

The first week back from vacation is always stressful because there's so much catching up to do, and like I mentioned earlier, we were coming off a crazy drive home. When I got home on Sunday night, I was fried. Then upon return, I was hit with one thing after another for about three hours straight that seemed to make the outlook for this week even more difficult.

Late Sunday night, I sat at my desk looking over my to do list, calculating how long it would be before my head would hit the pillow and taking deep breaths in an effort not to panic. I think the only phrase that can accurately describe how I was feeling that night is "in over my head." I spent a good portion of that time wondering how on earth I'll cope with a third child.

The next morning, I was looking through photos from Ben's birthday party (that have yet to be processed) and found this family photo. We don't have many, and this photo is not all that great . . . but I've found myself staring at it for a few minutes every day this week, wondering who that pregnant grown up is in the picture. Because although it's been 11 years, I sometimes feel like I'm still very immature and fresh out of college.

Side note . . . Kyle loves this picture because the word "HOT" is right over his head.

These last 11 years have passed so quickly. And the next 11 will likely move faster. This stress and craziness is temporary. Wiping bottoms and breaking up screaming matches won't last forever. And neither will the cuddling and the chance to train these boys "in the way they should go."

I love that picture because I love the people in it so much. I might be in over my head, but I don't think I'd have it any other way.

Dear Bennett, months 24 & 25

2011-10-12T18:34:00.001-05:00

Dear Ben,

You turned two last month, and it's like you know what that means. It's as if you understand the phrase "terrible twos" and feel like you have some sort of expectation to live up to. The screaming, the tantrums, the disobedience . . . you're testing every boundary and running me ragged.

On the flip side, you're doing so many fun new things, too. This morning, you started crawling on your hands and knees and panting. I gave you a puzzled look and you just grinned from ear to ear and said, "doggy." I thought it was super cute until your Dad told me that you tried to bite his ankle.

I love it when you do something fun or achieve something new and pump your fist and exclaim "YESHHH!". . . just like your brother. I crack up every time you finish a snack, because you always lift up your shirt and say, "Mama! Betty!" Translation: "Mom, my food's all in my belly."

You like to tease us by sticking your thumbs in your ears, wiggling your fingers and saying, "Na na boo boo." You love to sing, and even when you can only pick up on one or two words of a song, you sing those words with enough gusto to make up for all of the words that you don't know. I love hearing you exclaim "MO-NING!" (Good morning!) each morning. No matter how little sleep I'm running on, it brightens my day.

You're incredibly active and have very little fear. You love to jump off of things and usually exclaim "COOOL!" when you land . . . whether you land on your feet or back side. You climb, explore, dig, gallop, run and play harder than any kid I've met. You have sustained more injuries than any other toddler I've encountered. I'm having trouble remembering what you look like without a fat lip and two year old pictures have been delayed because of it. You are incredibly resilient. I know that when I hear you cry hard over a fall or spill that I need to come quickly because it's probably more than just a bump or a scrape.

You love playing with trains, moreso setting up the track for them to run on. Actually, I think your favorite part might be taking the full tub of train parts and pieces and dumping the entire contents on the ground, because you giggle with delight every time you do it. While you and Jack fight, oh, every 30 seconds or so when you're playing with the train set, it's one of your favorite things to do with him. After your nap this afternoon, I asked if you wanted to play with the train set. But Jack wasn't home and you just shook your head and said, "No. Jack, helpee." which I understood to mean, "Not unless Jack's here to help me."

Have I mentioned how infectious your laugh is? You have this contagious, deep chuckle that is most often elicited by your dad's antics. He tickles and wrestles with you in ways that make you giggle uncontrollably and honestly? I don't think anyone could hear it and not smile right along with you. I normally have to leave whatever I'm doing to go watch, because there are few sights and sounds better than your dad making you laugh.

You and Jack share a room now, and with that change, your excellent sleep habits have gone right out the window. It takes a lot of time to get you settled down and you know EXACTLY which buttons to push to get Jack irritated and prevent him from sleeping. I know it'll take time, but I think you two will eventually love sharing a room. Eventually.

You love playing with our phones and watching videos from the summer and looking at pictures of yourself. You even show us the photos and tell us what they are as if we've never seen them before. You play games on the phone and the ipad "or as you refer to it . . . the "ipat."

I love it that you are always so thrilled to see me. Whether I'm gone for 10 minutes or all day, you run to me and hug me tightly whenever I return. I don't think a single one of these moments passes without me wondering how long it will last.

So, I'll deal with the tantrums and the excruciatingly high-pitched screams because I know that it's just a small piece of the larger picture that makes up who you are and who you're becoming, and you are so special to me, just the way you are.

Love,
Mama

It's {another} girl!

2011-10-12T09:48:00.004-05:00

Is anyone out there having a boy? Because everyone I know is having a girl. Seriously. When I was pregnant with Ben, everyone was having boys and now everyone's having girls. it's crazy.

Remember the shower I threw for Jeanette back in January 2009 before she had Eli? No? Probably because I took about two pictures and didn't write much about it. I had just found out that week that I was pregnant with Ben and was too consumed with that shock to think about taking many pictures.

Well, Jeanette's having a girl this time and I did a much better job of documenting this shower than I did the last one. I've included a few pictures below, but you can see more in my September flickr stream.

Desserts were pretty simple, too! Sugar cookies, oreo truffles, strawberry cream filled cupcakes (by my friend, Maria) and chocolate covered strawberries.

And the guest of honor, herself.

It was very laid back and low key . . . we had a lot of fun!

Viriginia

2011-10-10T22:12:00.006-05:00

Like I mentioned, we vacationed in Virginia last week. The drive down was stressful and the drive back was SUPER stressful. But it was nice to get away and I'm glad we endured the traveling just to be away for a while. We figured that with Jack starting kindergarten next year, this would be our last chance to take a fall vacation, and my parents had a condo in Williamsburg booked so it worked out perfectly.

On our way down to Virginia, we stayed in Pennsylvania and visited the Flight 93 Memorial. It was rainy and cold, so I ended up sitting in the car with the boys for most of our visit, and that was okay because it was really emotional and I was having a hard time keeping it together. As you might imagine, Jack had A LOT of questions and we did our best to answer them in the most age appropriate way possible.

The condo we stayed in was a really nice set up. There were two units. We were in the bottom unit with the boys, and my parents, aunt and uncle were in the upstairs unit. As early as the boys were up, and with as much noise as they make, I'm sure my parents and aunt and uncle were glad to have their own space.

We went to colonial Williamsburg, Jamestown and Yorktown. THe boys behaved at those places about as well as you might expect a 2-year-old and 4-year-old to behave while learning about the colonial times and the revolutionary war. Honestly, though, I can't believe how much Jack retained. Both boys enjoyed the Jamestown settlement . . . including the ships that they got to board and walk around in.

When we were in Yorktown, I walked around outside with them while the adults took the museum tour. I thought they might enjoy seeing the turkeys and chickens. One of the chickens was so loud and the trip resulted in both boys screaming like maniacs, while I frantically pushed the stroller in the opposite direction. I had no idea they would react that way. It's humorous as I think back on it now. It didn't seem humorous at all then.

We took them to the pool one morning and they both acted as if they had never been in the water before. Jack, the child who had to be consistently told all summer not to go too far out into the water, flipped out any time we tried to take him past the steps in the pool. I think Ben would have been fine, but he normally follows Jack's lead. Eventually they warmed up to the idea, but I could tell they were both a little apprehensive the whole time. It was odd.

The boys loved hanging out at the condo, visiting the Living museum (kind of a cross between a hands on museum and a zoo), mini-golf and just spending time with us and their grandma and grandpa. Oh, and the fact that I let them watch Disney junior every morning while they ate breakfast. TV in the morning WHILE eating breakfast . . . and getting to watch more than one show in a row? It was like Christmas.

The hardest part of the trip was eating out so much. Typically, Ben's a challenge in a restaurant . . . but a manageable challenge. By the third or fourth day of eating out, he was spent. Maintaining restaurant etiquette was more than his 2-year-old mind could handle that many days in a row. On our trip home, we had dinner at a Pizza Hut. We were there for 5 minutes before I had to take him out to the car while Kyle got our food to go. I was down on myself all week for feeling like I couldn't control my child in a restaurant when it hit me . . . he's TWO YEARS OLD and he's been out to eat once or twice a day for more than a week. What did I expect?

Also, on the way home, baby girl decided that it was no longer time to hide behind the anterior placenta and make herself fully known. She had been fairly quiet all week and had me worried several times about her lack of movement . . . not uncommon for this pregnancy. But on Saturday morning she started kicking and didn't stop until Sunday afternoon. Not just kicking . . . the rolling and shoving herself into places she doesn't belong. Just enough to make the ride that much more uncomfortable!

With the exception of the first day, the weather was beautiful. It would have been sweeter had it not been warmer in Michigan than it was there! Who would have guessed that Michigan temperatures would be in the 80s in October? At least the warm weather was nice to come home to.

Our peeps.

2011-10-04T07:42:00.004-05:00

We're in Virginia on vacation. The ride down was ROUGH. The boys were . . . well, exactly as you might expect a 2 year old and 4 year old would be. Full of snacks and movies and screaming and crankiness.

On our first night, right before we got to the hotel in Pennsylvania, we stopped at a service plaza. I took the boys to the bathroom while Kyle got gas. As we were coming out, Kyle was coming in and I asked, "Where did you park?" And he said, "Out next to my peeps."

"Huh?"

"You'll see what I mean."

And I couldn't help but laugh when we walked out and saw this:

When we were back in the car, Kyle told me that when he popped the hood to check the oil, he found the entire clipboard and paperwork that the oil change guy had left there earlier in the week. So bizarre.

It didn't make the trip easier, but I think that little stop was God's way of lightening the mood. For a few minutes, at least.

Counting

2011-09-21T12:42:00.004-05:00

Many people know that I've had concerns about Ben's speech development since he was about 4 months old. The week after his 4 month check up, he just stopped babbling and didn't often make noises except for crying. Since then, I've noticed some slight delays in many things speech-related.

95% of people that I've shared this concern with think that I'm just comparing him with Jack, and I'll admit that I do that sometimes. Jack's language development was exceptional, in the same way that Ben's gross motor and fine motor development have been exceptional (we're amazed at his understanding of how things go together, the stuff he builds with blocks and the way he can manipulate small pieces and things together . . . the train systems he creates with our railroad set are pretty amazing for an almost-2-year-old).

But comparison aside, I still feel like there's something that's keeping him from saying what he's trying to. He has lots of words, and when I voice concerns people always tell me not to worry and that he has more words than average for his age. But still, it's not just about the words . . . when I see him try to tell me things, I can watch his mouth try to make the sounds he wants to as he gets frustrated. He can identify probably 10 letters and the sounds they make (thank you, LeapFrog: Letter Factory) but when he tries to put the sounds together, he gets stumped.

I don't think it's a major delay or anything and you can call me a helicopter parent if you want, but I think there's something to say for a mother's intuition. I'm just hoping that at his 2-year visit next week, the doctor will at least take my concerns seriously.

Up until today, when we'd count things with Ben, he'd point and say, "One, doo . . . NO MORE!" Sometimes he'd get to three, but he'd usually drop out at two.

So you can understand why I sat in my car and cried during preschool pick up today when Kyle sent me this video.

Untitled from Sara on Vimeo.

Jack's second (and last) year of preschool

2011-09-19T21:48:00.004-05:00

We started back to preschool with Jack right where we left off. New teacher and new drop off line, but we kind of got back into the swing of things with no problem.

I haven't had many encounters with his teacher, but I can already tell that I'm going to L-O-V-E her. Jack has great things to say every day and at dinner when we did our best/worst parts of the day tonight he said his best part of the day was school because "my teacher taught us SOOOO much." I love it.

Here are a few pictures of Jack (and Ben) from the first day of school last week. He was so wound up that I finally told him just to SIT DOWN because he wouldn't stand still. And yes, I'm aware that he needs a hair cut.

Oh, and please ignore our nasty-looking front porch.

And this is how Ben felt about Jack leaving for school without him.

It's crazy to think that this will be Ben going off to preschool next year while Jack's at Kinde . . . I can't even say it.

First day of school, 2010:

Baby girl update

2011-09-19T12:44:00.001-05:00

I'm feeling baby girl move more! Not so much over the weekend, but Monday - Wednesday of last week, I felt her every day, multiple times a day. Kyle and Jack have both felt her move now. Ben still doesn't quite get it, but he does hug and kiss my belly each night.

She didn't move a whole lot yesterday, but last night, she gave me a kick that reminded me of what it was like at this stage with the boys. I can sometimes see her poking out now when she moves. It's amazing what a difference an anterior placenta makes. I have discovered that when my bladder is full, I feel her move more, likely because she has less space. I have to admit that sometimes I wait before going to the bathroom just to see if she'll start moving!

I had an appointment last week. Wait, no . . . it was on September 3. Time flies.

Apparently, part of my bowel is wrapped up in front of my uterus, causing the painful cramps on my right side. Lovely, right? And the contractions are from . . . well, taking care of two little boys and everything else that my life entails right now. My doctor didn't seem concerned and neither am I.

Speaking of my doctor . . . I feel so lucky to be seeing the same one that I did with Ben. I loved her then and I love her now. She's friendly, straight forward and listens well.

I feel awful that I lost all of my belly pictures when my phone was stolen, but I will take a 26 week picture this week. I promise.

In 15 minutes or less . . .

2011-09-18T19:40:00.004-05:00

1. It's shocking how quickly 6 days can pass . . . it feels like I wrote my last post yesterday.

2. Jack and Ben are now sharing a room. We're all adjusting to the change. Last night was the easiest bedtime ever. Tonight . . . not so much.

3. I love both of my kids but over the last two weeks, they've both become incredibly difficult. Disobedient, disrespectful and WHINY. I'm sure it has to do with adjusting to the new schedule and being with ME more rather than a team of college students who dote on them non-stop. But it's getting tiring.

4. I threw a shower for Jeanette last weekend and Ben's birthday party was yesterday . . . I have a month until the next shower and that'll be a nice break from party planning. Both events were a lot of fun and I can't wait to post photos.

5. Jack started preschool this week. Again, photos are forthcoming. I stopped taking photography clients back in the spring, because I was losing my creative edge and I really don't have the time with all of the design work I'm getting. After 6 months, I'm just starting to really enjoy taking my camera out again. I'll be taking some pictures for a few friends and I'm actually looking forward to it. It's amazing how much a nice break will help to refresh your creativity.

6. As a part of my desire to relax and slow down a little bit, I'm reading the Hunger Games trilogy. It's a little embarrassing to love a series of books written for young adults so much, but I do. I read the first book in a day, but I'm half way through the second.

7. The flooring is essentially done. We're going to try and pick out some carpet for the bedrooms this week, but our bedrooms have more square footage than we had estimated, so we might have to downgrade a little to stay within our budget. We'll see. I love, love, love our floors and am so happy with how they turned out. And while we've had some slipping and sliding, for the most part the boys like pretending to ice skate on them! Lots and lots of socks with rubber grippers are in our future!

My time's up!

Any guesses?

2011-09-12T23:27:00.005-05:00

Being due so close to Christmas, everyone makes guesses as to when this little girl will arrive more than they did with the boys. So, I thought we'd take a little poll. And to sweeten the deal, I'll buy dinner (in the form of a gift certificate) at the restaurant of my choice for whoever is closest!

Here are some things you may want to consider:

1. My original due date was December 25.
2. My due date was adjusted to December 28 at my first Dr. appointment.
3. During my 19 week ultrasound, her measurements were ranging from Dec. 24 - Dec. 31.
4. Jack was a week late. Ben was 10 days late.
5. A random lady walked up to me at Jack's preschool open house and asked if I was having a boy or a girl. I told her a girl and she said, "She's coming on December 15." It doesn't really have any bearing on the issue, but I thought it was kind of funny.

If you'd like to play, leave a comment here, send a message on facebook, reply on twitter, etc. I'll add you to the calendar.

I'll close the poll in November. Good luck!

Edited to add: Be sure to leave a time, too, in case two people choose the same date!

Where were you?

2011-09-11T10:33:00.001-05:00

I was watching the news yesterday with Jack and he asked what "9/11" is. So we talked and I told him enough to satisfy his four-year-old brain without going too far. I had the news on this morning when I was giving them breakfast which was a mistake. I was way more emotional than I had anticipated and Jack had ALL kinds of questions about why the two buildings fell down and how it happened to "our country."

I explained what I could and quickly turned on an episode of Curious George.

The week of 9/11/2001 was the week that Kyle and I officially started dating. I remember that my mind was so consumed with our relationship that week . . . mainly because I thought I would be searching for a new job and ready to leave camp and wondering if I should move forward with that search or plan on sticking around for a while.

That Tuesday morning, I was at work and must have missed the news coverage by just a minute or two when I turned the television off to head to work because I normally left my apartment at 8:55. At about 9:30, I left work and drove to the post office to pick up the mail and was listening to a Christian radio station. They were interviewing a member of Third Day who was talking about the tragedy that had struck America and I was puzzled. As I pulled back into camp, I saw Chuck and Linda standing at the intersection by the office talking. I rolled down my window and they told me what had happened. We all went to the staff lounge and watched the news coverage. We watched in horror as the first tower collapsed, and shortly later, the second tower.

Remember how the news coverage was 24 hours on every network station for almost a week after the attacks? I had a little tv at work and watched almost continually. Probably too much. I remember crying and wondering how any group of people could ever be so full of hatred.

I checked my e-mail that day (I had to dial up and log on to check my e-mail, so I only did it once or twice a day . . . my, how things have changed) and got one from Kyle asking if he could come over that night. We spent the next few nights watching the news together.

I think it's surreal to most of us that 10 years have already passed since that day. Probably because it still affects so much of our lives and the heartbreak is still so fresh.

Robbed

2011-09-08T02:31:00.000-05:00

I just flipped my calendar from July to September.

What happened to August?

It was a super busy month, but not as busy as September will be. October's kind of packed, too. And then holiday card business will be in full swing and . . . poof! We'll have another baby before we know it.

But back to August. My 33rd birthday was August 9. We were in the middle of a camp, so it was about as exciting as working on your birthday can be. Kyle surprised us at our morning staff meeting by bringing donuts and juice, so that was fun. I definitely feel older, but I think that has more to do with my pregnancy fatigue and aches than it does anything else.

I'm now 24 weeks pregnant. I had been taking belly photos on my phone for the last few weeks, but my phone was stolen at the end of August. So frustrating. I left it in the car on a shopping trip. We were rushing into Target to beat a storm and when I came back out, it was gone. I went in and searched Target, thinking maybe I had accidentally stuck it in my purse, but when I used the guest services phone to call Kyle, he tracked it and saw that it was moving away from Target. It was gone. So, a new phone is fun. Paying for it when my old phone was perfectly good was not fun.

Our floors are almost finished! Photos of the flooring makeover are forthcoming.

Dear Jack, Months 48, 49, 50 & 51

2011-09-03T08:22:00.000-05:00

Dear Jack,

You turned 4 years old this summer. It doesn't seem like a "milestone" birthday, but it was for me.

I remember the night after you were born . . . you were about 30ish hours old. We had been moved to one of those tiny little nesting rooms in this hospital to wait out your 12 extra hours of observation. I was holding you and bouncing around in what little floor space there was in the room, trying one of the millions of techniques I had read about for soothing a baby.

As I was bouncing it hit me like a ton of bricks . . . I had read everything there was to read on caring for a baby. But I knew that someday you would be 4 years old. I don't know why I chose that age, but I did.

I stared at you and kept thinking that. "Someday, he'll be a four year old." It panicked me. I knew what to do for your first year, but after that I was clueless. For the next few years, I'd find myself in moments of panic thinking "I'm going to have a four year old someday. What on earth do I do then?"

But here you are . . . 4 years old. We made it. But now all I can think about is that you'll someday be a teenager.

We've had a good summer. You've matured a lot . . . for a four year old, that is. You listen in on our adult conversations and will bring them up at other times, wanting to talk about whatever it was we were discussing. This week, there was an earthquake in Virginia and you just caught a few seconds of it on the news. That night, you wanted to pray for the people who "had their house shaking." You can understand more than I sometimes give you credit for.

You've grown spiritually, too. I love the questions you ask and I love to hear you pray. They're not "little kid" prayers any more. You talk to God about what's on your mind, pray for people who you know are hurting or sick and thank God for everything he's given us. Last night, you even prayed for the person who stole my cell phone out of our van. I've heard you telling Ben that he needs to be thankful for what he has because some kids aren't lucky enough to have what you do.

Speaking of Ben . . . he loves you so much. Sure, you guys fight sometimes, but for the most part, he copies everything you do. It's funny to watch, and I know sometimes you get frustrated when he tries to do and say everything you do, but if you're asked, you'll say that Ben is your best friend. I love that about you guys.

From the time you found out we were having another baby, you were intent on having a baby sister. You got your wish! You're such a good brother and I know she'll be so grateful to have you.

You've loved hanging out with all of the counselors this summer, and as it's come to an end, I see a sadness. You built such solid relationships with them and I appreciate how much of an influence they have on you. It's just you, Ben, me and dad now . . . I know I'm not always enough, but I sure do try to be.

I don't always know how to handle you Jack. You're so smart and sometimes that intelligence leads to mischief beyond your years. I'm not always sure how to react when you laugh as I try to discipline you. I don't always know the best consequence for when you sneak a sucker from my desk drawer. I'm not always sure what to do when you disobey. I yell sometimes, because I don't know how else to get your attention . . . I'm sure that frustrates you, too.

I really do always try my best. I hope that some day, as you're chronicling the mistakes of your parents, you'll run across these letters and feel assured that though we're not perfect, we love you and are doing our very best to help you become a good person. A kind person. The kind of man God is calling you to be.

I love you!

Mom

Coming soon . . . another big boy bed

2011-09-02T07:44:00.003-05:00

The time is coming . . . Ben will soon transition to a big boy bed. We haven't quite figured out when, or what we're going to do, but it'll obviously happen sometime before December.

I feel mildly guilty because I never really finished Ben's nursery. I repainted and bought new bedding, but the wall art I was designing is still sitting in my "to do" folder, untouched for over a year.

With Jack, I was ready to move him to his big boy bed. The last couple of months having him in a crib were a nightmare so I was anxious to move Jack. I'm so hesitant with Ben.

He can climb out of his crib . . . but won't unless someone prods him. And even then, he's hesitant, because really? Why would he when he can just sit in his crib and jabber until someone comes and lifts him out?

Ben sleeps so well. He goes down at night well an he stays in bed well. The thought of moving him out of the crib is killing me because the situation is so ideal right now. Our original plan was to put bunk beds in Jack's room for the two of them, but I'm not feeling confident that Jack can make it down from the top bunk safely when groggy. So we might purchase a toddler Bed until we feel more comfortable with bunks.

The thought of just having this baby sleep in the bassinet in our room for a month or two and leaving Ben in his room for the first few months has crossed my mind, but I think that might make the transition harder later. Moving him in with Jack well in advance of the baby coming might keep Ben from feeling like the baby took his room.

I'm just worried that we'll ruin the great sleeping habits he's got going. I have to admit that I'm a lot more emotional about moving him from crib to bed than I was with Jack.

This age isn't always perfect, but sometimes I wish I could just keep Ben at 23 months old forever.

A quck break

2011-08-28T06:51:00.000-05:00

I'm taking a short break from helping Kyle install our new wood floors (yay!) to write a pregnancy update. Here's the update: My back HURTS. I remember my back aching sometimes when I was pregnant with the boys, but this is ridiculous. It takes me several minutes to make it to an upright position each time I stand.

A little public service announcement: When you're pregnant and already in really bad back pain, don't rip out carpet and install wood floors. Hire someone to do it. Ouch. We still have 3/4 of the way to go.

At my last appointment, I had relatively little weight gain. I've got to believe that will all end at my next appointment. I'm on to my "stage 2" maternity clothes. I don't even like to think about the fact that with Ben, I was still wearing one or two pairs of regular pants at this stage.

I still don't feel her move that often. Once or twice every 2 - 4 days. I know the whole anterior placenta thing has something to do with it, but it's still unnerving. On Friday night, however, she gave me a really good kick. Just one, but enough to make me feel better. I wish Kyle had been there, because it was strong enough that he definitely would have felt it. She did have hiccups on Tuesday. At least I think that's what they were.

I still have a lot to write about my feelings on having a girl . . . it deserves a post of it's own. I made my first purchases for her over the last few weeks and I'm becoming more comfortable with the idea. I love her so much already . . . I think I'm more worried about whether or not she'll love having me for a mom.

We have names narrowed down to 4 options. Last week, we had it narrowed down to 2, so we're not really making any progress.

Dear Bennett, Months 21, 22 & 23

2011-08-27T04:14:00.001-05:00

Dear Ben,

I took a short hiatus from writing you letters . . . not because I didn't have anything to say or report. Only because I can't do it all. I certainly try, but when I try to "do it all" I never do anything well.

The guilt of being pregnant with your sister has set in. I remember this when I was pregnant with you . . . feeling guilty that I was about to totally disrupt Jack's life and the perfect little routine we had established. And now I feel the same way with you. I felt like I was about to ruin his life and now I worry about how you'll adjust.

But I shouldn't be worried, because as we both know . . . nothing could be further from the truth. We can't imagine life without you. Jack was at day camp for two full days last week and you were both missing each other like crazy. You spent the day asking me where he was and Jack couldn't wait to see you when he got home.

I'm not going to lie . . . it was nice having those two days last week just the two of us. You played so well in my office while I worked, and every once in a while would climb up into my lap and cuddle for a few minutes before climbing down and resuming your play. We chatted and I quizzed you on the sounds of the letters of the alphabet. And for any that you couldn't remember, you just made the "zzzz" sound.

I really need to get some of the things you say on video. The way you pronounce words and say things is so funny. You're stubborn and won't usually repeat us when we try to get you to say something on cue, so we have to ask you questions and trick you into saying cute things.

You are the King of "thank you." You thank me when I change your diaper. You thank whoever's driving every time we get out of a car. You thank me when I strap you in your car seat or buckle you into the stroller. You even thank people when they let you hold the door open for them. In the store yesterday, I asked an employee for directions to a particular isle, and before I could thank her you had it covered.

You've become so sensitive. If someone tells you "no" you walk off to a corner or a wall, lean against it and pout for a few minutes, consoling yourself. You throw a fairly typical number of tantrums with a pretty normal level of intensity for your age.

You're developing just like the typical almost-2-year-old should be developing. But you're so much more than "typical" to me. I look at you each day and am still amazed that you're mine . . . that I was lucky enough to get you for a kid. I thought that maybe with the second child that awe would wear off, but it hasn't. I'm totally in awe of the fact that I get to be your mom.

I see so much goodness and strength in you and I pray daily that God will make me equal to the task of developing those things in you. I love you, Ben.

Mama

Parenting Fail

2011-08-25T19:54:00.004-05:00

Do you ever have one of those days in which you feel like you're completely ruining your children?

I've kind of felt that way this week.

I don't know what it is. A full moon maybe? Both boys are extra hyper, Jack has been horribly disrespectful and Ben has been remarkably disobedient. To top it all off, I'm stressed out and tired. I do my best to maintain a gentle, even voice when disciplining my children, but I lost it more than once today. I hate yelling at my kids.

During days like these, I feel a little bit like I'm losing them. I get emotional wondering what they'll be like as teenagers if they're like this NOW. I wonder if they'll start to resent me for all of the mistakes I make and never really understand how much I love them and want what's best for them. I'm sure the drama of all of it is heightened by pregnancy hormones, but I honestly hope I'm not screwing them up.

It's days like these that I'm learning to totally trust that the grace of God will fill in the gaps between what I provide as a parent and what they need as my children.

On leaking

2011-08-19T13:35:00.003-05:00

Over the summer, Jack's become friends with several of our day campers and had a great time playing with them. His babysitter would take him up there, along with Ben, to play almost on a daily basis. So, during these last two days of day camp, we've let him spend the whole day up there.

I was a little bit emotional dropping him off . . . which was weird because he spent a good portion of the day all summer up with them so it wasn't really anything new. And I hired the staff up there, so I certainly wasn't worried. I knew he was in good hands.

I don't know . . . it just felt like a milestone. Ben spent the whole day asking where Jack was and pouting when I told him that he would see him at dinner. And this morning, Jack commented on how long it felt to be away from Ben all day. They really did spend almost ALL of their time together this summer. Yesterday, Kyle asked him what he did and after talking about few of the fun things, this was their conversation:

Jack: I leaked a little during rest time.

Kyle: Leaked? Like you wet your pants?

Jack: No. Leaked from my eyes.

Kyle: What do you mean "leaked"? You cried at rest time?

Jack: No, I didn't really cry. I just leaked out the corners. You know? Like mom does sometimes when we give her flowers. I just really missed you guys.

What?

2011-08-13T05:57:00.006-05:00

As a general rule, I won't post anything on my blog that I've peed on.

But I had to make an exception for this interesting batch of Clearblue pregnancy tests from when I had my positive results back in April. I thought I should share . . . you might have to click on in to be able to read it.

Weird, right?

"We have exciting news"

2011-08-12T13:18:00.003-05:00

I don't think I ever wrote about telling people that we're pregnant with #3. We let Jack do most of the "telling" and I'll always regret not having the video camera on for those phone calls.

When he called my mom (who already knew) he said, "We're going to have another baby. It's going to be a girl and we're going to name her Leah." Kyle and I couldn't help but laugh because Leah isn't a name we had discussed, nor did we know at that point that Jack so badly wanted a sister.

When he called Kyle's sister Kristen, Jack said, "Aunt Kristen? We have exciting news! We're going to have another baby." The tone in his voice when he said "We have exciting news!" was cracking us up.

But nothing could really top the phone call with Kyle's sister Katie. "Katie? I have exciting news. I'll give you a hint . . . . Waaaa! Waaaa! Waaaa!" Kyle and I were laughing so hard that Jack wasn't really sure what to do.

When we called Kyle's grandpa, he told Jack, "Congratulations!" And Jack replied, "I'm not the one having a baby. I'm not even a girl!"

No matter what words he used, everyone he spoke to could tell that he was excited for baby #3.

Big brothers

2011-08-05T14:18:00.004-05:00

Our plan was to bring home balloons for Jack and Ben after Wednesday's ultrasound. Blue if it was a boy and pink if it was a girl.

As with most photo opportunities, I had this idyllic picture in my mind of how it would all go down. We'd take them outside, hand them the balloons and they'd squeal with excitement at the revelation that they were going to have a sister. And then they'd stand there politely with the balloons while I took their picture.

Yeah, right.

They were excited and Jack was jumping up and down (remember that he really wanted a sister), but it lasted about two seconds because it was right before nap time. And remember how I had only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep the night before? Part of it was because Ben was up and 4:45. He was beyond tired.

Jack was so stressed out that the balloons would fly away that he wouldn't even hold them. I tied one to Ben's arm and he was having fun with it until Jack started yelling at him not to lose it.

I have zero pictures. WHich is okay, because I'd like to forget all but the first 20 seconds of it. After their naps, I took them outside with the balloons and tried every bribe in the book to get them to stand there nicely. It just wasn't going to happen.

So on Thursday, when camp was over, we sat them down at the table and showed them all of the photos.

Jack's already asked if we can name her "Leah Pretty Luke." His second choice was "Cassie Lifeguard Luke." This is a prime example of why we don't let 4-year-olds name their younger siblings.

Soon, Jack insisted on "organizing" the photos based on which ones he liked best.

They're going to be great big brothers.

Pink balloons

2011-08-04T21:08:00.001-05:00

Wednesday was a really good day. We got to meet this little girl . . .

The balloons in the picture are from telling Jack and Ben. I'll write more on that later.

On Wednesday morning, We had to wake up early to get to Ann Arbor . . . of course it was scheduled during our busiest week of camp all summer. I love U of M, but I do wish it was closer. I had only had 2 1/2 hours of sleep that night and was CRANKY.

We grabbed breakfast at a McDonalds drive through and we were back on the road before I realized that they got my order wrong. So when we got there, I was tired, cranky and hungry.

Then we made the trek through the hospital to the PAC, only to find that it was really cold. So I was tired, cranky, hungry and cold. Not a great combination.

But my crankiness faded when the technician started taking pictures. She is beautiful. I'm not 100% sure why, but I knew from the first minute of the ultrasound that it was a girl. It's just that everything about the pictures was different from the boys.

She didn't stop moving the entire time! The technician wasn't crazy about it, but we loved it! She was sucking her hands and fists and feet. She was wiggling her little body all over the place and twisting and turning. With the boys, I remember them wiggling a little, kicking and waving their hands back and forth, but it was nothing like this. After the technician finished, the doctor had to come in to re-take a couple of the shots and she had completely flipped around with her head on the opposite side! It was so much fun. She's energetic, for sure.

It was a relief to see her move, because the movement I've felt has been so strange and so much less than it was with the boys. I had wondered if my placenta was in the front . . . I had heard friends say that it lessened how much they felt the kicking. She confirmed that my placenta is anterior. That's probably also why it took a little searching for the doctor to find her heartbeat at my last appointment.

I know that I said I wanted a boy. And I did. Everyone's question is how I'm adjusting to the idea. I'm still trying to wrap my head around it. I'll write more about that later too.

Remember when . . .

2011-08-04T10:39:00.005-05:00

Do any of you remember this post? Were any of you even reading back then?

When I read that, I remember how nervous I was to even post it. I felt a little silly for opening an etsy shop and thinking that anyone outside of my friends and family would purchase designs from me. I wondered if people were laughing at me. I knew plenty about graphic design, but knew relatively little about the custom stationery business. I've learned so much.

If it weren't for the encouragement of friends and family, I might never have even opened it. If it weren't for Crystal (she was my very first etsy customer), I might have closed up before I even hit Christmas that year.

So you can see why it's such an honor to me that, almost 4 years later, I was in Babble's top 50 etsy moms of 2011 at #22, and #3 in the "for Mom" category. I'm humbled.

Who would have ever thought?!

Ultra-anxiety

2011-08-02T20:49:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow's our fetal survey ultrasound. The big one. I'm so nervous. At dinner, I almost made myself sick thinking about it. Don't get me wrong . . . I'm excited to see pictures of this little one. I just feel so aware of all of the things that could be wrong and I can't seem to push them out of my mind.

Of course, to everyone else, tomorrow is "the day you find out what you're having." I'm excited and nervous about that too. Jack so badly wants a sister. Kyle and I want another boy (but of course, won't be disappointed if it's a girl). Ben just rubs my belly, kisses it and asks, "Baby? Baby?" Which is good, because up until a few days ago, he thought the baby was further north of my belly and couldn't be convinced otherwise. This made for some awkward moments in public.

I've been feeling movements for several weeks now, but nothing really strong. The movement is way different than it was with the boys. Which, of course, makes me worried that there's something wrong. I know that he could just be positioned differently than they were, but my mind won't let me rationalize right now.

Zoo day

2011-07-23T21:16:00.002-05:00

We went to the zoo last Saturday . . . it was HOT out, but the zoo we like to go to is almost entirely shaded. We were a little sticky, but not too uncomfortable. We had such a good time with the boys. It was a last minute decision, but I'm so glad we decided to do it. I've included a couple of photos of the boys, and a family picture that a friendly stranger snapped for us.

Later that night, we cooked dinner around a campfire . . . in 90 degree weather. We had promised them, so we had to follow through!

Thanks to the friendly stranger (who seemed to be behind us at EVERY exhibit all day) for snapping this family photo!

Twitter: June - July 22

2011-07-22T11:50:00.003-05:00

Selected Twitter posts from the last month or so.

July 22
"Hey mom! Try and find me!". yfrog.com/kjgzgkzj
{Later when I showed him the picture, he said, "Are you serious? You could totally see me!"}

Ben has had more to eat for breakfast than I will probably eat all day.

July 21
Remember on Monday when I said, "We probably need to have our leaky, noisy air conditioner serviced?" Kyle's wishing he had listened to me.

"Feels like 104"

July 17
It's so nice to be married to the world's best dad. He's making up for my parenting shortcomings today.

Thanks to his older brother, Bennett has now taken up telling a knock, knock jokes. It goes like this: "Kna Kna!" "Who's there?" "EYEBALL!"

July 16
Went to the zoo. Cooking dinner over a fire. But I'm pretty sure these were the boys' favorite surprise of the day. yfrog.com/ki85nmj

It's just dropped below 90 degrees, so of course we're building a fire in our back yard to cook dinner. That sounds fun, right?

Proof of a good day at the zoo. yfrog.com/ke1j7oej

July 15
I just had to put Bennett to bed without a story or a song. And now I feel like a monster.

July 13
High of only 76? Come on, July!

July 12
I just read that my baby is the size of an avacado. And now I'm craving guacamole.

July 11
The weather man told me it would be 100 degrees today. But I just bought a sweatshirt.

July 8
My favorite moment of the day? Hearing Ben yell, "Jat! Omeee!" Which is Ben-speak for "Jack! Come here!"

July 7
I woke up this morning feeling little tiny baby squirms in my tummy.

July 3
Jack's first night without a nighttime pull-up. Fingers crossed that we won't have a mess in the morning. {We did not! We did have a mess the night after, though.}

July 1
I'm watching the guys in the Tigers dugout & wondering if their moms will yell at the coach for not giving their sons playing time tonight.

June 30
Today marks the 31st anniversary of the end of my almost-2-year reign as an only child.

June 29
LOOK WHAT THE UPS MAN JUST BROUGHT! Angie Peterson just made my day! yfrog.com/h4eywnlj

June 28
It really doesn't bother me that "under God" was left out of the pledge on NBC. I'm not 100% sure God's all that bothered either.

June 25
Someone asked Kyle today what we're doing on our day off. That's cute.

June 21
I normally like storms, but I'm bummed that the longest day of the year has been cut short by dark clouds.

June 20
The good news? I found my wedding rings. The bad news? Kyle's is still at the bottom of the lake.

Hello, second trimester.

June 18
If I didn't have kids to feed, I'd eat cereal for most meals.

June 16
My inbox is overwhelming & today's schedule is intimidating. But we're having French toast sticks for breakfast, so everything will be fine.

June 14
Jack let me know that he doesn't want to be King of Israel. So glad he's starting to narrow down his options.

June 10
I'm thinking of adding a second 27" monitor to my workspace. I remember a time when having one 27" monitor seemed excessive . . .

June 9
At Panera listening a super loud talker plan out the next 10 years of her life. Best wishes to her fiancé.

June 8
I've found my new calling in life . . . I want to be a freelance reality show casting agent.

June 7
There's something so comfortable about people to whom I can make Friends references without any sort of explanation.

Watching video footage of Ben from last year at this time . . . totally choked up.

Have I mentioned how happy highs in the 90s make me? Because they do.

June 3
Jack just told me he'd do all of my work and I could go to sleep in his bed. If only . . .

I had a dream last night that I was swimming, pulling a boat behind me with a load of groceries, and 3 or 4 people in it. What does it mean?

June 2
Four years ago today, I started a brand new job . . . as a mom. Happy birthday, Jack!

Jack's fourth birthday party

2011-07-19T08:23:00.001-05:00

Jack turned four in June and we had his party the weekend after. I had been thinking about the party for months, but as usual, I waited until the last minute to throw everything together. I had actually forgotten decoration for the tables until the night before. Whoops. I realize that the centerpieces look more golf-ish than they did baseball-ish.

We served hot dogs, carrot sticks, grapes along with peanuts, cracker jack and pop corn. We had chocolate milk, water and Gatorade to drink. And of course, cupcakes by my friend Maria.

Oh well. You win some, you lose some. These are pictures of the party. I'll post pictures of the birthday boy & friends later.

Knock, knock

2011-07-18T06:35:00.000-05:00

Jack loves telling knock, knock jokes. Some of them are actually funny. And, as you might expect from a 4-year-old, some of them don't make sense. His favorite?

"Knock, knock."

"Who there?"

"EYEBALL!"

And then he erupts in hysterical laughter.

Yeah, I don't get it either.

But like any good little brother does, Bennett likes to copy Jack in every way possible. Here's his retelling of the joke to me this morning. He had already told the joke 10 - 15 times so he was lacking enthusiasm, but you get the picture.

Untitled from Sara on Vimeo.

Celebrated

2011-07-17T06:52:00.003-05:00

Kyle and I came home late one night and found that his cousin, Amy, had left us flowers as congratulations on baby #3. They were beautiful and I was so surprised and grateful.

By child #3, it sometimes seems like no one cares as much as they did the first time around. It was so nice to feel like this little one was being celebrated! Thanks, Amy!

It's July

2011-07-13T10:45:00.006-05:00

We're on the last day of Family Camp. Everyone's leaving and it feels as if things should be slowing down, but we're only half way through the summer. Youth camps start again this weekend. I kind of enjoy family camp, because Kyle and I both get to be home at bath and bedtime. Starting next week, I'm on my own again in the evenings.

With the exception of bad storms on Monday, we've had great weather! I depend on July to keep me warm all year long, so I try and soak up the 90s as much as I can. I've spent a lot of time working the zip line and running around outdoors, so I've had a chance to enjoy it!

Jack leaned out his bedroom door this morning and yelled, "Dad? Do you have a copy? Dad?" Which is the call we use on the radios at camp. I couldn't help but laugh. The boys are with us at camp every day and they pick up so much that I don't realize they're picking up.

I've started feeling little baby movements in my belly. Not kicks really . . . just that heavy rolling/shifting feeling. I'm just about 17 weeks. I had an appointment last week and the heartbeat was strong and in the 160s. My gut feeling is that it's another boy. Mainly because this pregnancy has been exactly like the first two. And maybe a little because that's what I'd prefer.

I've had more cramping and I have a few painful contractions every other day or so. My doctor isn't worried, so neither am I.

I've gained 8/10 of a pound, which is good, because I still have plenty left from last time. It's weird though because looking at me you'd think that it was a lot more than that.

The only non-maternity clothes I'm wearing now are drawstring capris that I can leave loose. I was hoping to go as long as I did with Ben without having to break out the maternity clothes, but summer clothes aren't as forgiving as winter clothes are. ALl of my summer maternity clothes were from when I was 7 - 9 months pregnant with Bennett, so they're all a little big on me. I depend on my bella band to keep them in place.

Here's the picture of Jack that I deleted from my previous whiny post. I'm still a little stunned by the fact that I have a four year old.

Ben at 21 months

2011-06-26T20:50:00.006-05:00

A few things about Ben at 21 months . . .

He LOVES matchbox-sized cars. Most of them are the cars from the movie Cars. He plays with them constantly and carries them with him everywhere. Even if it's 5 at a time. He lines them up on the table in front of him at meals and keeps them in his cup holder when we're in the car.

Jack didn't get into these until older, mainly because we didn't have them in the house when he was Ben's age. Give him two cars and plenty of "race track" and he'll be happy for a long time.
He is so friendly. He says "Hiiii" to everyone we pass, no matter where we are. If he spots someone yards away he starts waving and calling out "Hiiii!"
He was about 29 pounds when we visited the doctor's office in May.
He loves to do belly smackers. Onto the couch sometimes. Most often, he moves the couch cushions to the floor and just throws himself down onto them. One time, he got a little confused and threw himself down onto a throw pillow. There was a HUGE thud and he just laid there dumbfounded for a second. And it's really not limited to his belly. He'll jump up and just land on the floor on his bottom. Over and over. He's just rough.
He copies Jack like crazy. Words, actions, everything. For better or worse. We often comment that Ben doesn't do much on command. We used to ask Jack to say things and he'd just say them. When we ask Ben to say something that we know, he'll often just say "uh-uh" or "no, no, no." But he will copy Jack. So Jack likes to tell people that Ben "only does thing on my command."
He has a scream that is unlike anything I've heard from another human being. And he KNOWS that it gets Jack all riled up (and rightfully so) so he does it when he doesn't know how else to fight back against him. Jack tries to scream like that back at him, but I'm telling you . . . the noise is inhuman. I don't think any of us could replicate it.

So, I've been working on teaching him to use his indoor voice. It's so funny because when he screams and I remind him to use his indoor voice, instead of whispering like I do, he does this soft little shriek. Hilarious.
We do happy and sad faces a lot. When I say "happy face" he smiles and puts his fingers on the side of his mouth like he's having to manually pull his face into a smile. When I say "sad face" he stops smiling and makes this pathetic little moan. It's so funny.
He's the first one to remind us if we've forgotten to pray before a meal or bedtime. He folds his hands and says "Ama? Ama?" (Amen?)
He says too many words for me to list, but my three favorites are "ink ou" (Thank you), "Baay" (Bye . . . it sounds like he's saying it with a deep Southern accent . . . in fact, many of our staff have started saying goodbye that way!) and "I unv ou" (I love you).

Injustice

2011-06-23T10:45:00.004-05:00

I just posted these super cute pictures of Debbie and her little lemon when she was in her 14th week.

Adorable, right?

Well, the next photo isn't quite that cute. There's something unfair about my friends and family having cute pictures of themselves while pregnant and I get stuck with the out-of-focus, bathroom mirror shots.

Oh, well.

I'm in my 14th week now, but here I am a little over a week ago at 12ish weeks. Truth be told, half of the baby bump is baby #3 and half is leftover from Ben.

Again . . . oh well.

I'm still feeling good . . . other than the fatigue. I still forget that I'm pregnant on a regular basis. There's really not a whole lot to report.

Compare to 18 weeks in my first pregnancy with Jack . . . yeah, things pop faster the third time around.

My kids . . .

2011-06-12T21:21:00.000-05:00

Jack is 4

2011-06-08T22:25:00.003-05:00

Jack turned four years old on June 2! I'll post pictures of his real party soon, but we bought him a cake on his actual birthday, too. I'm wondering if there will ever be a birthday that I don't tear up while we sing to him.

At bedtime that night he said, "I'm so glad you're my mom. And I'm so glad I made it to four." I guess he was worried . . .

And of course, grandma brought Cars plates and party favors that Ben was loving . . .

Fatigued

2011-06-07T22:13:00.004-05:00

Being pregnant this time around has made significantly more tired than it did the first two times. It looks like Jack can sympathize . . .

T-ball

2011-06-05T21:29:00.005-05:00

Jack's playing T-ball this year. The league is for kids ages 4 - 7 and I was a little uncomfortable with him starting this year, since he was 3 when practices started. They let him play as long as Kyle came with him to practices. The age difference between 3-almost-4 and 7-almost-8 is HUGE. But honestly, he's done okay with it.

They don't use the tee much. It's mainly coach-pitch. The games are pretty typical . . . one kid hits the ball, and every single kid on the opposing team dives for the ball. During his first game, Jack ended up on the bottom of a pile of his teammates, all fighting over the ball. They've become much better at working together since then.

I think our "proudest" moment was when after his first strike, Jack was yelling to his coach and instructing his coach on how he should be pitching.

Jack is so proud of his "jersey" and baseball hat. He loves the t-shirt and would wear it every day if I let him.

His, um, let's just call it his "competitive spirit" has also become more obvious. While standing on first base during his first game, I could hear him arguing with the girl on the opposite team about who was winning. Please note: They do not keep score. On our way back to the car that same night, he was sure to inform many players on the other team that his team did, in fact, win. We've had some fun conversations about that.

Do you see him chasing after the ball? Yeah, he's supposed to be running to third.

His "victory" chant . . .

And here's what Ben did the whole time . . .

Twitter: Jan - May

2011-06-05T21:11:00.000-05:00

Selected posts from our "mini-blog"

MAY 8
It's a big day at our house . . . our caterpillars are hanging upside down and building their cocoons.

MAY 7
Closing the night out by scrubbing black sharpie marker off of the stainless steel refrigerator. Just lovely.

MAY 4
Jack clearly recalled a memory of something that happened when he was less than 2 years old, that we haven't talked about since. Crazy.

MAY 2
Jack's bedtime prayer: "Dear Jesus, help mom to grow and get good at a sport or something and help her to eat her green beans. Amen."

MAY 2
Trying to keep in mind that how I respond to the death of my enemies says as much about me as it does about my enemies.

APRIL 30
of the drawer, cleaned the toothpaste off his face, & put it back in the drawer. How long has that been going on?

APRIL 29
Jack just said, "This isn't a REAL Bible. It doesn't even have any pictures."

APRIL 28
Jack's bedtime prayer: "Dear Jesus, Help me to get to first base before the ball does. Amen."

APRIL 26
Taking jack to the Doctor to have 13 splinters removed from his hand. Fun, fun.

APRIL 23
"You'll never guess what happened mom. Your youngest son dipped one of his cars in your very most beautiful cookies. So sad." - Jack

APRIL 20
I just heard Jack say to my sister, "Tomorrow? You're outta here!" People feel so welcome at our house.

APRIL 19
Sitting here waiting to go to jack's first parent-teacher conference. I wonder what we'll learn . . .

APRIL 17
To say that it's been a "roller coaster day" would be an understatement.
APRIL 12
At dinner I said, "Aren't we lucky to have such a great family?" Jack replied,"I might like it better if someone would get me dessert."

I put "frozen French fries" on our grocery list. Apparently, Kyle thought we were feeding 50 people. yfrog.com/hsi1qttj

APRIL 10
I just found Jack in bed curled up in bed with my tulips. MY POTTED TULIPS. I asked him why and he said "I wanted to see them bloom."

APRIL 9
Jack just came into my office crying inconsolably. I asked what was wrong and he cried, "BEN KILLED MY PET ROCK!"

APRIL 7
Jack just asked why we have to go back to the cold. It took me a few minutes to give him an answer.

APRIL 6
Kyle assembled and is playing the game that came with Jack's kid's meal, which I think qualifies him for sainthood. yfrog.com/gyhbkkmj

APRIL 4
Remember when the players in the NCAA tournament looked older? Like 10-12 yrs ago? The players must be younger than they used to be . . .

APRIL 3
Jack keeps asking "Where's Missouri?!" He's confusing the word "Missouri" with the word "resort."

MARCH 28
After we told him we'll be going to TN for vacation, Jack said, "I was thinking maybe Africa or Korea instead." He's tough to please.

MARCH 24
Earlier today, Jack asked me if he ever said funny things when he was little.

MARCH 19
Me: Jack, you are getting too big! You need to stop growing! Jack: I'll try to ask God, but I think he'll say no.

MARCH 16
On the way home from school, Jack said, "Mom, heaven sounds exhausting."

MARCH 15
"Jack, you need to stop talking. It's rest time." "Mom, if you just ignore me I'll probably get bored and stop."

MARCH 14
It seems that George's antics have less to do with curiosity than they do with the Man in the Yellow Hat's irresponsibility w/ wild animals.

This is what happens when you wake a child from a dead sleep and tell home to put his pants an shoes on. yfrog.com/h2smgllj

Jack swallowed a dime yesterday. And as you may have guessed, he's most concerned with getting his dime back.

MARCH 10
Jack and Ben are running races. Jack's battle cry before each lap is "Rush like a catalog, sting like a beaver." Wha?

MARCH 6
Getting in the car after church today, Jack said, "I wish there were more Sundays."

FEBRUARY 9
Another first. http://yfrog.com/h0a3oqnj

FEBRUARY 7
Jack just informed Kyle that kidney stones get out by going down your leg and popping out of your foot.

FEBRUARY 6
There's a feeling of desperation that sets in when you hear your toddler wake after only 30 minutes of napping.

FEBRUARY 4
Jack's greeting upon getting in the car when I picked him up from school was, "Hey, Swarley! What's up?"

JANUARY 25
After preschool yesterday I asked Jack, "What did you learn today?" He responded, "It's a long story. I don't really have time right now."

JANUARY 21
After coming with me to the chiropractor this morning, jack 's trying to play "Dr. Scott" with Ben . . . artificial cracking noises and all.

JANUARY 17
Jack was ear infection free for 3 years and almost eight months. The dream ended today.

This was the verse running through my mind when I woke up today: http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Micah%206:8&version=NASB

JANUARY 10
Jack's response to being told he needs to wait for a snack: "What will I do if you don't give me what I need to be strong and healthy?"

JANUARY 8
Me: Jesus loves it when we talk to him. Jack: I love it when he talks to me. Me: What does he say? Jack: I'll tell you when you grow up.

JANUARY 4
I just heard Jack say to Kyle, "I just told mom she could cuddle with me. You know what that's called? Compassion."

Dear Bennett, Month 20

2011-05-31T19:05:00.001-05:00

Dear Ben,

You're going to be a big brother.

Long before Dad and I told anyone else our big news, I had conversations with you about it. You're the best secret keeper I know . . . for now, at least. I asked if you wanted to be a big brother and you responded with your usual "Uh-huh!" You didn't really know what I was asking, but I hope your enthusiasm continues through December.

About 10 minutes after I found out I was pregnant, my thoughts wandered to you. How will you react? How will you feel being the middle child? Your brother had all of my attention for almost 2 1/2 years, and now, right before he'll head to school and you would have had my undivided attention, we'll have a new little one. Will you understand why so much of my time will be diverted from you? Will you be jealous? Will you care? Will you resent a new little person in our family?

One thing I do know for sure is that you're going to be a great big brother. I really did think that you might be the youngest child in our family, but I'm so glad you'll have a chance to care for a younger sibling. Your little brother or sister is going to be so lucky to have you. I can't wait to see you in this new role.

No matter how many brothers you have, or how old you are or where you fall in birth order . . . I want you to know that you are so special to me. You're the only Ben I have and I can't imagine my life without you. You're smart, funny, compassionate and inquisitive. You bring so much joy and I love you more than words can say.

Love,
Mama

Last days

2011-05-18T14:18:00.002-05:00

Today was the last day of Jack's first year at preschool.

It kind of snuck up on us. I forgot to get a picture of Jack and his teacher. We forget to get Jack's teacher a little "parting gift." We were unable to attend the all-school picnic on Monday. It was a little anticlimactic.

When his teacher brought him out to the car this morning, I could tell that he was trying to hold it together. He got in the car and he wouldn't say goodbye to his teacher, so I asked him what was wrong. He whispered, "I'm really going to miss Jack Slisher." I assured him that he'd see Jack S. almost every Sunday and probably at other times. Then his voice cracked as he said, "I'm going to miss everyone."

I can't even begin to tell you how much like me he was in that moment. I don't think there has been a time in my four years of parenting and I could empathize as well as I could in that moment. I cried at the end of every school year. I didn't handle change well, and I knew that even though I was going back to the exact same school in the fall, everything would be different. I liked things to stay the same. It's only been since college that I've grown to love change.

We pulled into a parking spot to let him buckle up into his car seat. He had his head buried in his hands, so we just sat there quietly for a few minutes. I cried a few sympathy tears and I could see a few rolling down his cheeks, too. Eventually, he sat up and buckled in. On the way home we talked about what he'd do this summer and the sadness was replaced with excitement.

With all of the mud stomping, wrestling, puddle splashing, rough housing, and toy car crashing that comes with having little boys, it was nice to get a glimpse of Jack's tenderheartedness. And it was good to know that he's a little bit like his mom.

Dear Jack, Month 47

2011-05-14T14:21:00.005-05:00

Dear Jack,

This month, you threw a temper tantrum to rival all temper tantrums. I'm sure there are kids who have thrown worse fits, but I've never seen them.

We were having a great day up to that point. I had something to return at Menards, and when we walked in, there were 7 people ahead of us in the return line. I immediately started sweating and searched my purse for snacks and things to keep you and Ben entertained. Fortunately, I found a crumpled bag of teddy grahams and you were both really easy going about the wait.

I was so thrilled with how well you behaved at Menards, that I promised a trip to McDonalds. You both ate well and we laughed and had a good time at lunch. I couldn't believe how well you both were behaving and thought I'd even have a chance to make it to another store after lunch.

On our way out of the restaurant, you asked where your Happy Meal toy was. At this point, I should have just handed you Ben's. It was exactly the same. But instead, I said, "Oh, shoot. I think I threw it away. But here's Ben's . . . you can have this one."

I had said too much.

You totally lost it. We were just outside the front door and you started screaming and running laps on the front lawn. It was the oddest behavior I've ever seen from you. I put Ben down and tried to grab you to calm you down, but you took off running toward the parking lot. At this point, I was panicked. I picked up Ben and chased you almost half way around the building before I caught you.

At that point, I realized that Ben was missing a shoe and that it was back inside the restaurant, so I had to carry Ben and your hysterical little body back in with me. On our way back out the second time, you dropped to the ground in the entry way and kicked both of your shoes off. You went limp and I had to drag you out.

I've never seen you behave like that . . . especially over something like a McDonalds toy. I still don't know why that set you off, but I'm glad it's over. I wasn't embarrassed. I was just frustrated and bewildered.

I tell you all of this, because I wonder if that day will be burned in your memory like it will be mine. I wonder if you'll remember how you acted, or if you'll just remember how frustrated and angry I was. I wonder if you'll remember trying to talk on the way home and me telling you that there would be no talking until we got home home. I wonder if you'll remember me sending you straight to your room for mandatory nap time, even though you hadn't taken a nap in months.

After you woke up from your nap that day, you curled up with me on the couch and apologized. We sat there cuddling and talking for quite a while. I think you felt bad, but I also think you were worried that I was still angry with you. I apologized for yelling and assured you that there was nothing you could do that would ever make me stop loving you.

When you're old enough to read this . . . if you happen to remember that day . . . I hope you'll remember that hour on the couch. Because even though the tantrum was one of my worst experiences in parenting thus far, that hour on the couch was one of the sweetest.

Love,
Mommy

Is this for real?

2011-05-14T14:06:00.003-05:00

This pregnancy is remarkably different from the first two. I don't really feel any different than I did before. I had two days of nausea. I'm tired ALL. THE. TIME. My emotions are running wild. Same old thing.

The difference, though, is that I keep forgetting that I'm pregnant. There are times that I make it to lunch without even thinking about it. And that's usually only because I'm ready for some caffeine. I spend so little time thinking about it because my mind is whirling with so many other things and I'm stressed about all of them. I had three really big projects culminate this month, and a bunch of little ones thrown in there for fun, too. I think once those are finished, it might start to become a little more real. And once the checks come in for those projects, my stress will be significantly lessened!

My first doctor's appointment is on Monday . . . right during Jack's school picnic. I considered canceling, but given that I have no idea when I'm due, I probably shouldn't put it off any longer. I feel like I just made the appointment and I can't believe it's already here.

Bubbles, knees and elbows

2011-05-11T18:01:00.000-05:00

I'm so sad that you can't really hear Ben in this video, because I'm sure you've never heard anyone say "elbow" as cute as he does. At least you can see him in all of his adorableness.

Untitled from Sara on Vimeo.

In fifteen minutes or less . . .

2011-05-10T04:51:00.005-05:00

1. I'm busy. So incredibly busy. Words can't even describe, so I'll spare you. I'm sitting here wondering if I should even be writing this because I could get SO MUCH done in these 15 minutes. But I'll continue . . .

2. My favorite thing that Ben does right now (there are actually lots of them) is when we're finished with a book he immediately starts saying "Un mo! Un mo!" for "One more!" I can hardly resist.

3. Jack threw the tantrum of all tantrums on Saturday. Over a Happy Meal toy. It deserves an entire post of it's own, but let me tell you . . . if there were awards for this kind of thing, he would have received a medal. Or maybe a trophy.

4. Speaking of Happy Meal toys, Arby's has different fire fighter tools in their kids meals now. On Sunday, Jack got a blow up axe and Ben got safety goggles. I love it . . . so much better than Batman figurines or cardboard games with thousands of little punch out pieces.

5. I'm obsessed with Panera breakfast sandwiches. I don't know why I had such low expectations, but I love them. My favorite is their power breakfast sandwich. With sausage or bacon instead of ham, of course. Because ham? Really?

6. We bought a hammock and a stand about 6 years ago and last summer, the hammock sort of disintegrated. So far this spring, I've purchased and returned three hammocks, all of which were too big for our stand. Apparently, we have an odd-sized stand and we're having trouble finding a hammock anywhere (online or otherwise) to fit it. It's such a bummer because I love laying out in it while the boys play in the sand box.

7. We'd planned to have Jack's birthday party on Memorial Day like we have every year. But it's 3 weeks away and I still haven't finished the invitations (see #1). I'm STRESSED. I'm so busy with other people's parties and invitations, that sometimes our own family's projects get pushed to the last minute. We'd planned on inviting some of his friends this year and I'm so worried that no one will be able to come! Debbie laughed at me back in January when I was wanting to start planning, but now I'm wishing I had been more intentional about that.

8. I'm headed to Greenville next week. Let me say that again . . .I'M HEADED TO GREENVILLE NEXT WEEK! We'll be in STL for a birthday party on Saturday, too. I'm so excited, but a little stressed about it. It's just me and the boys traveling down there alone. After last weekend's tantrum, I'm fearful of taking them both out anywhere alone again. Kyle has a baseball tournament on that Saturday. I'm also trying to convince him that he'll have enough time to lay our new flooring at our house while we're gone. Fingers crossed.

8. The boys received a butterfly house for Easter and we our catterpillars came in the mail last week. As of this morning, all but one had spun a cocoon. It's AWESOME. I think Kyle and I are enjoying it ~~more than~~ as much as the boys are! As soon as the last little guy gets his cocoon done, we'll just wait for them to . . . hatch? Is that the right word? I don't know. My fear is that they'll come out when we're in Greenville next week and ~~I'll~~ the boys will miss it. I wonder how Sarah would feel about us bringing a butterfly habitat down with us . . .

Irony

2011-04-29T04:09:00.000-05:00

I've had chronic clavicle and shoulder and neck pain on my right side for 10 years. No, strike that . . . 12 years. Sheesh . . . I'm getting old.

It's become progressively worse as I've gotten older (imagine that) and for the last few months has been about as bad as it's ever been.

I've seen doctors, specialists, physical therapists, chiropractors, massage therapists, etc. and they all agree (to quote the shoulder specialist I saw a few years back), "There's nothing wrong with your shoulder." Which is interesting, because my right shoulder sits about 3" higher than my left and there is obvious asymmetry in my sternoclavicular joint. By the way, I spelled that right on my first try.

The pain is often severe and ibuprofen and acetaminophen (again, spelled correctly on the first try) have become like daily vitamins.

In October, my doctor told me that picking up my kids was probably aggravating it. So {enter sarcasm} I told her that I'd let my staff of nannies and personal assistants do the picking up for me for a while. She also said that it might help to not work at a computer for few weeks. Which is also ok, because we have that big pile of money just sitting there in the back yard, so quitting my jobs is no problem at all.

I've been dealing with this for over a decade and it's recently really become more of an issue. Likely because Ben is getting heavier and still needs to be carried from time to time. I'm tired ALL of the time, because . . . well, pain is exhausting. I wake up and can often barely move because everything is so tense and tight that it's 10x more painful until I can get everything stretched out.

So, after some coaxing from my family doctor, I finally made an appointment with a D.O. I made the appointment at the beginning of this month, but the appointment is on Tuesday.

And of course, this week, for the first time in several years, I've had almost close to zero pain in my shoulder. I'm not complaining, because the relief is so great.

I just hope she doesn't tell me that there isn't anything wrong.

Dear Jack and Bennett, Months 45-46 and 18-19

2011-04-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

Dear Jack and Ben,

When each of you were born, your dad and I felt like a hurricane swept through and beat against the walls of the house that is our marriage. Don't get me wrong. We were thrilled to have each of you. It's just that marriage is hard. And when you throw a couple of kids into the mix . . . watch out. If you're not careful, the relationship that should be the most important relationship can start to look more like a babysitting partnership.

Your dad and I are fortunate, though. Our marriage was already built on a solid foundation of love and commitment to each other and to glorifying God in all that we do. So while having you guys shook things up a little, we really only ended up stronger in the end. I can honestly say that we are closer and more in love now that we have you guys than we were before you both came along.

But let me go back to that last paragraph for a minute: Marriage is still hard. Dad and I argue sometimes. We're on the same page on most things, but every so often we don't see eye to eye . . . sometimes on little things like who's turn it is to change Ben's diaper, what to make for dinner or who deserved to be voted out on Survivor. At other times we argue about bigger things like finances, discipline or situations at work.

We don't often raise our voices, but when you (Jack) can tell that we're disagreeing about something, you usually think it's some sort of joke. Sometimes, you'll even laugh and say, "Hey! Stop making fun of my mom!" or "Mom, leave Dad alone!" While the issues usually extend beyond us "making fun" of each other, it's good to know that there's nothing disturbing to you about our disagreements.

Ben, you on the other hand take things to heart a little more. Once a few weeks ago, Dad and I were making dinner and I was trying to keep something away from him. We were laughing and he was trying to get it from me . . . I can't even remember what it was now. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see you staring and I saw your bottom lip just pop out. I immediately hugged dad and said, "It's okay Ben! See, we're just joking!" But it was too late. You were so sad and broke down completely.

I want you both to know and to feel completely secure in the fact that nothing will happen to cause us your dad and I to stop loving each other. We choose to love each other, even when we don't feel like it. We're committed to each other for as long as we are both alive. I don't want either of you to ever doubt that.

Our marriage isn't perfect. We have to work on it and put time into our relationship to keep it healthy. Some marriages do end, and there are many reasons for that . . . when you get to the right age, we'll talk more about that. Not a day goes by, though, that I don't consider myself fortunate for being married to someone that I not only love, but also really, honestly enjoy being around.

My relationship with you boys is so important to me, but my relationship with Dad is most important. I know that keeping our marriage healthy is the best parenting move we can make.

I pray that someday, you'll find wives and love them as much as your Dad loves me. And I hope that they'll love you as much as I love your Dad. Until then, your Dad and I will try to be the best examples we can be.

Love,
Mom

Three

2011-04-24T19:44:00.005-05:00

Three kids. I keep thinking about that.

When I had Ben, the work multiplied more than I expected. Will that happen again? I'm used to multiple children now. Three can't be that much harder than two. Right? No?

Being pregnant still doesn't feel real . . . mainly because we haven't really told anyone. It's just our little secret. Well us, and a few select medical professionals. And Ben. He's a pretty good secret keeper.

My body is telling me it's real, though. The round ligament pain is more than I ever experienced with Jack or Ben. The fatigue . . . it's the "fall asleep while typing an e-mail" kind of tired. And the hormones . . . oh, the hormones. If you were sitting next to me during the baptisms in church today, you might already know that I'm pregnant.

I'm feeling thankful. We are so blessed.

As overheard at bedtime . . .

2011-04-24T19:26:00.003-05:00

Kyle: Why do you think God wants us to know him?

Jack: Because it's the sensible thing to do.

When did my 3-year-old turn 40?

Positive

2011-04-17T18:45:00.005-05:00

I took a pregnancy test back at the end of March and it was negative.

But I had a feeling. I just knew there was something different going on with my body. Is that possible? To have pregnancy symptoms before the test is positive?

For the last week, my eye had been twitching and I was way more tired than usual. And my emotions? Oh, gosh. Don't even get me started on the mood swings over the last week.

So, after almost a month of feeling this way, I took another one. Tonight's test was positive.

Today was probably the worst day to find out . . . my parents had the kids all weekend and within 20 minutes of picking them up, they were having meltdowns that didn't stop until bedtime. Actually, Ben's still up in his crib crying. I actually said to Kyle on the way home, "Maybe this is our answer to the whole 'third child' question." I literally cried all the way home.

But really, we knew that we did want a third child and had been talking about it quite a bit. There were certain things I wanted to have in place beforehand, but those don't really matter now.

I'm a little bit afraid. I've had a lot of shoulder pain and have been taking prescription pain medication manage it. I've also been drinking buckets of caffeine and aspartame. One of the first things I did after seeing the "pregnant" pop up on the test was pray that God would protect this baby from those things. And make it another boy.

Just kidding. Kind of.

Clean up

2011-04-13T00:07:00.003-05:00

After dinner, I asked Jack to put away all of the books and toys that were spread across the living room floor. I only asked him once, and when I looked back into the living room two minutes later, the floor was clear.

I praised him for following instructions so well and obeying on the first time and told him he could go play downstairs. About five minutes later, I noticed this . . .

Stinker.

Hide and Seek

2011-04-12T04:06:00.001-05:00

Bennett subscribes to the "If I can't see you, you can't see me" hide and seek strategy.

Someday

2011-04-11T08:21:00.000-05:00

We took the boys to Freddie's for ice cream after dinner last night. It was an AMAZING 80+ degree day and we enjoyed some time outside and thought ice cream was the perfect way to end the day.

As Ben was eating our small lemon cone (that we were supposed to be sharing), I was wiping drips off of his shirt and suddenly it hit me like a ton of bricks: There will be a day sometime in the not so distant future that it will be weird for me to be wiping drips from his shirt and sharing an ice cream cone with him.

I kept coming back to that thought . . . someday, both of my boys will be grown adults. They'll no longer need me to do their laundry, wipe their chins, give them baths, pick out their clothes or lift them into the car. Someday, going out for ice cream with our boys will be going out for ice cream with two grown adults.

This time we have with them as toddler/preschooler is fleeting.

About 2 minutes after these thoughts started, I took the ice cream cone from Bennett to lick some of the rogue drips. Naturally, this caused him to throw himself off the bench and scream "YUM! YUM! YUM!" which we all know is 18-month-old speak for, "Hand me the ice cream cone, Mom, and no one will get hurt." Everyone was staring, but I didn't care. I've become so used to these temper tantrums that I'm no longer embarrassed by them.

Instantly, another thought hit me: I will not HAVE to wipe their chins forever. Someday, I will no longer have to pick their hysterical little bodies up to leave a store before I'm done shopping. Someday, I will get to have a family dinner in which my food doesn't get cold before I start eating. Someday, they'll wipe their own chins. On the days that I think I can't handle it anymore, it's comforting to remember that this will not last forever.

In some ways, it's all passing too quickly. In others, I'd like to hurry it along.

I think the moral of the story, whether you have kids or not, is this: Be fully present in each day, cherishing each precious moment, because things will someday change. Also, be encouraged in the tough moments because . . . things will someday change.

No fear

2011-04-10T16:08:00.002-05:00

This is the only photo I have of the moment that Bennett scooted himself right into the water. He had no fear when it came to the pool.

Of course, Kyle was standing just to his left so he was only under for a second or two. He came up sputtering and chuckling with a huge smile on his face.

Although some may argue that it looks like Jack was pushing him in, he really was trying to hold him back.

Bennett's second favorite part of vacation . . .

2011-04-09T10:26:00.003-05:00

He would have been happy doing nothing but riding the elevator and swimming all week long.

In 15 Minutes or Less, vacation edition

2011-04-04T19:59:00.004-05:00

We made the trip down in two days, which was good because we had to stop, literally, every hour or hour and a half for potty or diaper change or crankiness. We were going to try and get home in one day, but that's no longer the plan.
We're in Tennessee and it was in the mid-80s yesterday and today. Unfortunately, there's a pretty bad storm rolling through and the high tomorrow is supposed to be 52 degrees. We're headed to the aquarium tomorrow.
Bennett is NOT fun in restaurants right now. Having a fully equipped kitchen in our condo in which we can eat most of our meals helps preserve my sanity. Staying here over a hotel was a GOOD idea.
Speaking of the condo, it's AMAZING. Everything's so new and updated. We ate lunch on the balcony and watched a couple of really bad golfers on the course behind us. Kyle and the boys had a movie night tonight while I just soaked in the jacuzzi tub. Glorious. Speaking of pampered . . . have I mentioned there's a spa here? I do have an appointment for Wednesday morning, thankyouverymuch.
We packed a minimum of clothing for each of us and cut down on our luggage quite a bit by doing so. We have a washer and dryer here and doing a load of laundry a day is so worth it to me to keep things simple.
Ben is a SWIMMER. This was the first time he had ever been in a pool (seriously . . . at 18 months) and he basically hit the water and was kicking and moving his arms like he'd been in swimming lessons for months. It's like he knew exactly what to do. Jack loves to swim, but is very uncertain in the water so this was new for us. We have to watch him closely though because he has no fear and I'm pretty sure if we weren't he'd try and jump in on his own.
The boys love to ride the elevator and we have to make them take turns pressing the "down" button.

My time's up!

Slowing down

2011-04-02T19:57:00.006-05:00

I tend to not post when we leave on vacation, because of the huge number of burglars that I'm sure make up my meager group of followers. Fortunately, our house is being adequately protected by armed guards and large ferocious animals while we're gone, so it's not really an issue.

We're headed to Tennessee for a few days . . . Gatlinburg to be exact. It was a last minute trip. We officially booked it less than a week ago. I'm looking forward to some badly needed rest and dedicated family time. One of our goals for the next few days is to SLOW DOWN. I've noticed over the last couple of weeks how often I tell my boys to "hurry up." I'm trying to be intentional about letting them move at their own pace.

Jack certainly tested me in that area tonight when we went out to dinner. Jack is a SLOW. EATER. Especially in restaurants. By the time Kyle, Bennett and I were finished our meals and the check was paid, he had consumed exactly 1/2 a chicken tender and two carrot sticks. He was just taking his time, looking around the restaurant, asking questions about everything he saw and practically sitting on my lap. Jack has a seemingly magnetic draw to whoever is sitting next to him at restaurants. Even if I pick him up and sit him down with his bottom planted firmly in his chair, I can just watch him start to lean into whoever is sitting next to him and just hang on his or her arm. He doesn't even realize he's doing it. He likes to cuddle and I'd guess that physical touch is his primary love language. I think this is how that desire manifests itself during meals.

Normally, I would have put a time limit on the meal and told him that we were leaving in 5 minutes and if he didn't finish, he'd just have to go hungry. Don't get me wrong . . . I think that's perfectly acceptable to do and when we're home and in a regular schedule, I'll probably continue to do that on occasion. Tonight, however, we just let him take his time. It started to get a little stressful because Ben was getting restless, but instead of stressing out, we just played. We tried to make things fun. Eventually, Jack finished and we all left happy and full.

With Ben, we're being intentional about letting him walk places himself. It's so much faster to pick him up and rush him to wherever we happen to be going. Instead, I'm putting him down, taking his hand and letting him set the pace.

I know that it can't always be this way when we get home. There are times we have to hurry and times that I'll still have to tell Jack "five more minutes." But this week, the focus is on relaxing and enjoying our time together.

Love-Hate

2011-04-01T22:25:00.003-05:00

Playdough and I have a love-hate relationship.

I love how long it can keep my boys entertained.

I hate cleaning it up. You really are unaware of how many crevices there are in your kitchen until you allow two little boys to play with playdough in it.

What is it about stickers . ..

2011-03-30T22:21:00.000-05:00

. . . that makes them so fascinating to kids?

Battle Wounds

2011-03-29T21:06:00.003-05:00

Jack bumped his head really well on Friday. Brian was babysitting but was with Ben and didn't see it happen. And Jack's account is obviously fictional, because it involves leaping from one side of the room to the other in a single bound, as well as a somersault or two.

What we do know is that he somehow slipped and hit his head on the leg of the kitchen table. Hard.

Brian is a wise man and sent a text with a photo to Kyle instead of me, who went home right away without even telling me he was leaving. Before I even knew what was going on, he was pulling back into work. Only after verifying that Jack was okay and didn't need to go to the ER did he tell me what had happened. I took this photo at breakfast this morning, but the bump might have been the biggest I've ever seen on Friday.

Then, while we were playing around in the living room yesterday, Jack tripped and fell into the arm of one of our chairs and was screaming. I literally watched his cheek turn purple right after it happened. It's hard to tell in the picture, but it looks painful.

Their injuries make me want to cry every time. I need to toughen up, because I have a feeling this won't be the last.

Valentine's Day . . . a month and a half later

2011-03-28T12:25:00.000-05:00

You guys . . . I'm up to FEBRUARY! That means I'm only a month behind on processing my personal photos. Pat me on the back next time you see me.

I asked Crystal to make me these awesome capes for us to give the boys on Valentine's Day. They loved them and often wear them for their daily "races" around the house.

And here are the valentines that we put together for Jack to give to his class. I had seen this idea before done with gumballs, but was really inspired to do it when I saw that Crystal used rubber bouncy balls. They were so easy. So, so easy. The cost was minimal, too . . . about the same price as boxed valentines and candy would have.

I took Jenny's advice and printed them on sticky paper and folded them over the top of the bag so that we wouldn't have to use staples. The back said "From: Jack" but I don't think I took a picture of that side. I'll probably give these away as a printable freebie next Valentine's Day on the LOD blog.

Bath Lover

2011-03-27T12:05:00.002-05:00

Bennett loves bath time. He always has. Jack enjoyed playing in the water, but never got as excited about taking a bath as Ben does. Jack takes mostly showers now, but I don't think Ben will outgrow taking a bath nearly as soon as Jack did.

Building a snowman

2011-03-25T18:06:00.004-05:00

I'm just finished processing my January photos, and I wanted to share these for the soap snowman that Jack made for an at-home school project.

It was easy, quick and he really enjoyed it. And because we can build it while sitting in our nice, toasty home, this is the kind of snowman I like to build.

My Not-To-Do List

2011-03-24T19:44:00.004-05:00

I just finished a book by Shauna Niequest this winter called Bittersweet: Thoughts on Change, Grace, and Learning the Hard Way. There is so much in this book that I could relate to and share, but the parts that my mind always wanders back to are these:

"This winter, I got the kind of tired that you can't recover form, almost like something gets altered on a cellular level, and you begin to fantasize about what it would be like to just not be tired anymore. You don't fantasize about money or men or the Italian Riviera. All you daydream about is not feeling exhausted, about neck muscles that don't throb, about a mind that isn't fogged every single day."

I know exactly what that is. I felt as though she were reading my thoughts. And as I read the next few pages, I couldn't help but feel as if she were speaking directly to me.

"It's fundamental to my understanding of myself for me to be the strong one, the capable one, the busy one, the one who can bail you out, not make a fuss, bring a meal, add a few more things to the list."

Gulp.

"DO EVERYTHING BETTER [is] a super-charged triple threat, capturing in three words the mania of modern life, the anti-spirit, anti-spiritual, soul-shriveling garbage that infects and compromises our lives."

Double gulp.

"She said it's not hard to decide what you want your life to be about. What's hard, she said, is figuring out what you're willing to give up in order to do the things you really care about . . . . Deciding what I wanted wasn't that hard. But deciding what I'm willing to give up for those things is like yoga for your superego, stretching and pushing and ultimately healing that nasty little person inside of you who exists only for what people think."

I think instead of making to-do lists, it might be time for me to start making "things-not-to-do lists." I just don't even know where to begin.

Refreshed

2011-03-14T22:29:00.004-05:00

I went to the Hearts at Home national conference with friends over the weekend and loved it so much. I'm so glad I had the opportunity to go and I plan on going back. I'll write more about the weekend later, but I was really glad to get home to my boys. Both boys ran fevers over the weekend while I was gone (of course they did) and I called Kyle at one point on my way home, only to hear screaming and chaos in the background because JACK HAD JUST SWALLOWED A DIME. But why was he crying? Because he was worried that he wouldn't get it back.

I feel like the weekend provided the right about of a break and encouragement to re-charge me as a mom. I was able to spend a lot of time with them today and it was so much fun to parent with a refreshed perspective on motherhood.

Kyle took Jack to a basketball game tonight and it was just Bennett and I until his bedtime. We had a really good time. I think he liked not having to compete with Jack for attention or getting talked over all the time.

During his snack, I shot this little video. The video right after it was of him accidentally biting his finger . . . it left marks. It is the saddest thing ever, so I decided NOT to share that one.

Take a look at Ben in all of his cuteness.

I have so many videos that I'd like to share! I just need to get them dumped on to my computer first. They literally go back months and months.

Dear Bennett, Months 16 & 17

2011-03-06T22:57:00.000-05:00

Dear Ben,

I'm wondering if maybe you'd like to come write this letter, because with the way your verbal skills are multiplying, and the dexterity with which you can operate handheld electronics, it feels as if you're just a few weeks away from being capable of doing so. You speak in garbled words that sound like complete sentences, but usually only contain one or two words that we understand. If we don't get what you're saying, you violently shake your head and say it again. When we finally do interpret your babbles correctly, it's a celebration, complete with flapping arms, bouncing and gleeful exclamations.

You know how to say, "Mama." On occasion, you call me "Mama." But when I instruct you to say, "Say Mama" you always look right at me and clearly say, "Dad-dee!" I can't help but wonder if you know exactly what you're doing and you do it just to drive me crazy.

One of your favorite things to do right is race your brother. You run like a 2-year-old and my guess is that one day you'll be able to hold your own in a race with him pretty well. I'll give the traditional "On your mark, get set, go!" and you two take off running in circles around our house as if it were built to be a track. Sometimes . . . SOMETIMES . . . I'll even race with you guys. As we run, you'll often pump your fists in the air and say, "Go, go, go" which might be the cutest thing I've ever seen. You don't really get that it's a competition, because every time Jack exclaims, "I WIN!" you pump your fists in the air, bounce up and down and say, "Yay!"

In January, you were really sick with bronchitis and fever. I hated seeing you like that . . . struggling to breathe and lethargic. You curled up in my lap, sucking your thumb and just sat there while I held you. I'm not glad you were sick, but I really did enjoy snuggling with you. I know these times will get fewer as you get older.

Your dancing and singing might be my favorite thing about the last few months. I love it when a song you recognize comes on and you start waiving your hands and shaking your bottom. Then you'll just start spinning in circles until you're too dizzy to stand. It makes me a little dizzy just watching you.

You're becoming such a funny little boy. You exclaim "tadaaa" whenever you find something new. You sing along with songs, using words that only you can understand. You blow kisses with smacking noises that can be heard from several rooms away. You pretend to comb our hair and brush our teeth. You brings us plastic cups, instructing us to "dink" and won't be happy until we make fake slurping noises and say thank you.

I love you, Bennett!

Mama

Christmas Pajamas

2011-02-27T23:01:00.006-05:00

Here are the boys in their Christmas pajamas. As you may or may not remember, Christmas day at our house this year didn't allow for much picture-taking.

Better late than never, right?

Taking off my cranky pants

2011-02-24T12:22:00.006-05:00

I'm headed to a $2000 dentist appointment in a little bit. At my check up last month, there was nothing wrong. Today? "SURPRISE! We need you to pay us $2000."

Our grand total of unexpected expenses for 2011 is at almost half of my annual salary. By the way, it's only February. Also, we're still down one car.

I want to complain. I so badly want to whine about how awful this is, but as much as I try not to, my mind keeps taking me back to how fortunate I am. Well, fortunate and in debt. But fortunate, nonetheless.

I don't want to feel that way. I want to stomp and throw a tantrum, much like Jack does when things don't go his way. I don't want to count my blessings . . . I want to stress out. And in all honesty, I've done a little bit of that today. But there's something that keeps cutting into my self-pity and stressing.

I've been more intentional about reading my Bible this month (I'm trying to do the New thru 30 reading plan . . . though it'll likely end up being New thru 90 at the rate I'm going).
In Hebrews, the author says, "For the word of God is living and active and sharper than any two-edged sword, and piercing as far as the division of soul and spirit, of both joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart."

That's not just good writing. It's truth and I've seen the evidence over the last few weeks. When I'm reading the Bible regularly, it sticks with me. The words are life giving and bring perspective. I absorb them and they become a part of who I am. Whether I obey them or not . . . well, that's still my decision . . . but their transforming work begins even without my permission.

I just keep remembering that I'm a part of something way larger than myself. My mind goes back to the fact that there's a bigger story at play, and while I need to be responsible with my finances, how much money I have is ultimately not the point. Comfort is not the point. Retiring to someplace warm some day would be nice . . . but it's also not the point.

Let's face it . . . in the grand scheme of things, we're already pretty darn comfortable. We have a home that we love. A car that is way more than enough to get us where we need to go. We have access to medical and dental care. This massive infection in my mouth? It'll be gone in a few hours. Kyle's kidney stones? Almost gone, with both kidneys still functioning. Both of my boys are healthy and breathing clearly. Our refrigerator is full and our heat is on. We have so much more than we need. Even if none of the above were true, I could still tell of abundant blessings.

I kind feel like laying in bed crying and feeling sorry for myself, but my mind and my heart won't let me do it . . . because I can't even remember why I was complaining in the first place.

More of this . . .

2011-02-19T12:48:00.004-05:00

Technically speaking, this picture isn't all that remarkable.

Emotionally speaking, it's the best picture I've taken all month.

We've been seeing a lot more of this at our house. Laughing together. Playing together. Brotherly love. Granted, with it comes more fighting, hitting and shoving, but we're working through it.

I'm certain this brotherly love will also lead to more mischief and scheming. Earlier this week, I found the two of them at the top of the basement stairs with a couch cushion perched precariously at the top. When I asked what they were doing, Jack replied, "Sledding."

Oh, sure . . . sledding down the stairs on a couch cushion? No problem. Later I'll give you a pair of scissors to run with and a book of matches to play with.

They play games that I don't understand. They laugh at jokes that I don't get. They race in circles around the house and Bennett doesn't care yet that Jack is always the winner. They're bonding, and that makes me happy.

Jack's imagination, much like any three-year old's imagination, is CRAZY right now. He makes up these scenarios and stories and acts them out. He regularly asks if I can come watch the football or baseball games he's playing with all of his friends in the living room.

He's also become quite the negotiator. I know that whenever he says, "Mom, I really like your hair today" or "That's a great shirt" or "I love you so much, Mom" that he's getting ready to ask for something . . . usually to watch a show.

Bennett tries to repeat everything that we say, sometimes successfully. I heard him use his first two-word phrase this wee:"ree book?" In case you don't speak baby, the translation is: "Read a book?"

Ben's also trying to take the stairs like a big boy, which scares me. He's so much faster and it's so much safer when he crawls down, but I don't want to prevent him from trying something that he's ready to do. So every trip up and down stairs is a little bit longer.

It's trite, but true . . . they're growing up so fast.

The big 1-0-0-0

2011-02-16T08:17:00.001-05:00

It's only 47 degrees outside, but it feels like 75 degrees to my soul.

This week of warmer weather was exactly what I needed. I realize that snow is predicted for next week and the high a week from today will only be 24, but that's okay because tomorrow we're going to make dinner on the grill. I feel like after this week, I can make it to spring.

Yesterday I realized that I missed acknowledging my 1000th blog post a few weeks ago. So . . . I guess that's what I'm doing now. I've posted more than 1000 times in my 4 years of blogging. You're welcome.

I also just noticed that I never posted a fourth annual "best of" like I normally do during the first week of January. So, here you go . . . the best of 2010:

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

If you're looking for more reading material, you could check out the best of 2007, the best of 2008 and the best of 2009. You can thank me later.

Sledding

2011-02-13T22:19:00.002-05:00

A few more sledding pictures from the first week of January . . .